Everything is a Cycle

SAILING

2005-01-24T13:56:00.000+07:00

Due to technical ease, I decided to move my blog to this one. I hope you don't stop your visit. Thank you verymuch.

THE DAMN LOVELY WEATHER

2005-01-14T11:41:00.000+07:00

I had no idea - up until now - what hot weather can do to your eyelids. Having an ex-prison as an office; where there are no air conditioners, hardly any windows; doesn't help. And this extra large helicopter fans in the room c-a-n m-a-k-e y-o-u-r e-y-e-s v-e-r-y H-E-A-V-Y... ZZZZzzzz

[I do hope they are not still using the isolation chamber to punish employees who fall asleep in their jobs]

DISTRACTED

2005-01-13T08:13:00.000+07:00

So here I am. In the foreign beautiful land. Where everything's so simple, I cannot remember the last time I have it this way. Where people are expressing their emotions animatedly; I often smile about them. This country, where there's a - supposedly enigmatic - 27 meters high statue of Jesus [why 27? Anyone?]. This island, where the beaches are still beautiful; goats, birds, hogs and pigs roam around hand-in-hand [can you picture that?]. This place where you go to small restaurant to have dinner, and you could walk home while listening to the waves of the oceans just on your left; while walking you could look up and see the stars very clearly. I could even pinpoint the one and only constellation I know and can find, Orion. I should have something else in my mind right now. But why all I can think of is you? How I'm physically in pain of missing you. Please come to me soon.

STICKLERS UNITE!

2005-01-08T21:11:00.000+07:00

Have you ever deliberately bitten your lips when one of your friends doesn't put any a's or an's or s's before or after his/her nouns? Are you 'stark raving' annoyed when your friends put 'your' in their emails when what they really mean is 'you're'? Have you ever shouted out loud out of disgust when you spot mistakes in spelling or plain Ignoramus English in magazines?

If the answer is yes, boy, do I have THE right book for you!

Eats, Shoots and Leaves is not exactly a grammar book. But a book dedicated to punctuation? What a mini orgasm! At least I wasn't expecting a punctuation book that made me laugh that hard. I can totally relate to the author, Lynne Truss, for I am a stickler at heart, but sometimes I don't have a heart or even shameful to lash out my much needed criticisms. So sticklers unite! I am optimistic to make this world a better place for apostrophes, commas, colons, semicolons and periods.

GO EAST

2005-01-05T22:57:00.000+07:00

If this isn't the right time, I don't know when. Mother earth has given us a warning. Take only what we use. Where can we go if we've damaged the earth permanently? [freely quoted from one-earth].

I'd love to go west to help, alas I have given my word to go east instead. Maybe some other time. IF I still have time.

So I'll see you when I got there. Hopefully with some interesting stories about the place. In the East [Timor].

SPIRITED AWAY

2004-12-24T14:24:00.000+07:00

I wish I could do something more productive these days, but I couldn't or wouldn't [to be more precise] so I tried to kill time by watching as many DVD as I can.

About two days ago, me, Dear Hubby and Ich our friend went to the DVD place, and we found a box set of Studio Ghibli movies. Dear Hubby was ecstatic and wanted to buy it. It was quite a bargain, 8 movies for 200 rupiah [right?]. So we did buy it.

Last night, I saw the ones titled 'Only Yesterday' and 'Whisper of the Heart'. I can say, it was wonderful! As probably most of you know that, in the case of the animation, Studio Ghibli is, by far the best there is. The movement is so realistic, and they took care of the smallest thing that most animators don't think of. And then the story. Mind you, Ghibli never underestimate the power of the story, that is why their movies run for as long as two hours [like Spirited Away]. The two movies I saw also have the duration for almost 2 hours.

Simple things like, your memories in 4th and 5th grade, could come back and stay with you while you're on day to day life. The crushes we had on high school. And how we thought it would change our lives forever, and it did, in a smallish wonderful way. The movies touched me in so many different ways, I cried a bit last night [maybe I was just in a somber mood, he he].

I remembered when a lot of my friends recommended me to see 'Ada Apa dengan Cinta' and told me how the movie reminded them so of the highschool time. I saw it and it didn't do anything to me. But these animations did. Highly recommended. *sniff*

SUNRISE AND SUNSET

2004-12-22T14:15:00.000+07:00

If you're anything like me, you would watch and love 'Before Sunrise'. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy are both beautiful, the dialogue was meaningful, and their chemistry is sooo... yummy [couldn't find better words]. I really liked the ending. The movie is romantic without being pretentiously kissy wissy and hopeful. But it was.

So few days ago I was surprised to find the sequel titled[obviously] 'Before Sunset' and rented it immediately. I saw it and smiled, laughed, touched with Ethan [Jessie] and Julie [Celine]. The setting was Paris, rather than Vienna, the movie was in real time, and 9 years later after the first. The character grew older, become wiser, more bitter in their own wonderful ways. The conversation flowed effortlessly, and again, the chemistry! Wow! I thought that, guys probably would find the movie as a bit 'talky'. But I was wrong. I saw it again yesterday, with dear hubby, and two of our guy friends. I saw them smiling with every smile of Jessie and Celine's. I saw them laughing for every dry joke and funny gesture the characters made. I was delighted.

The movie reminds me that, with everything that I have been through, I am not bitter at all. Bitterness is for hopeful souls, who still find at times the reality doesn't match the expectation. I am not bitter. I cannot be. I take my life as it is. I live for the moment. If I find something funny I would laugh, if I find something beautiful I would be in awe, if I find something to be mad at, I would be. But that is it. This is life. This is the journey. Take it as it is. Our happiness is not about getting what we want, but how we get it.

Oh, I love the movie.

RAT[S] UPDATE

2004-12-22T13:59:00.000+07:00

The back door being permanently shut, the so called clever creature HAS to find other entry. I was peacefully watching my DVD when on the corner of my eyes something with snout and whiskers tried to enter my door. I screamed as loud as I can [like something out of horror movie] thus, making the rodent turned around and changed his mind about entering the lot of lady dragon.

Dear hubby probably jumped up his chair due to the screaming, thinking I was caught on fire, but later found out, somebody let the front door open, so the rat felt welcomed.

So we gambled with Nyot-Nyot, our dear cat. We let Nyot-Nyot stayed in for the night, last night, hoping, he would catch [euphimism of kill] the damn rat.

So we woke up this morning, with the delight of two [not one] former rats on the table and on the floor, successfully killed by Nyot-Nyot. BRAVO! BRAVO! Have any idea what kind of treat I should get for Nyot-Nyot?

UNLAWFUL RODENT

2004-12-17T11:50:00.000+07:00

Having a house, in Bandung, it's probably a shame not to take as many advantage of the lovely-lovely weather. I guess that is why my father in law put the small ventilation windows in the kitchen. I must confessed that I've put my dirty looks on that ventilation, knowing very well that if there's such a thing in my Jakarta house, it would be wonderful welcome gates to every amphibia, insects and rodents from the nature world outside.

But I loved the fresh air, so I tried to ignore that fact. Until a couple days a go.

Mind you, since few weeks ago, I thought I heard some 'strange' noise from the kitchen, like something brushed past my cutlery set or some 'clink' behind the stove, but dear hubby always said that it's most probably the gecko or the wind [I suspected wind wouldn't be strong enough to make my cutlery set sounded like one of instrument of percussion].

One lovely evening, I was cooking something on the stove, while boiling water on the other surface, I guess something thought that it was too much of heat that he/she could handle. Then he/ she decided to go out to the fresh air through one of the ventilation, not forgetting to brushed past my cutlery set [while creating the lovely sound 'drrringgg'].

Oh the horror.

Maybe I should mention that I could handle cockroach without even flinching. I've 'handled' a 'palm of the hand' sized spider without even killing it. I don't mind bugs of any kinds, but I do bothered by bugs small enough that they could crawl through your bodily openings. But I DESPISED rats. Put emphasize on DESPISE.

The story continued. I submit nothing but a yelling of the word "FUCK!" and ran and [conform to my natural instinct] stood on a surface that is higher than the floor, in this case my sofa. My dear hubby, startled from his peaceful reading said, "What? What?" I yelled in panic,"There was a rat behind the stove!!" my dear hubby, once more, relaxed,"Oh, I thought the stove was on fire..." "What? This is even worse!" said moi. Naturally for the rest of the evening, I refused to go back to the kitchen, and I was so sensitive of ANY weird sound, and I kept the bedroom door closed at all time.

The next day, I wanted to make coffee for everybody, out of paranoia, I peered under the stove. Instantly I regretted the action for I saw the rodent chewing away Godknowswhat cheeringly under it. So I scream out to the office upstairs [did I mention our office is upstairs of our living area?]"Somebody? If you want a cup of hot coffee rather than lukewarm, help me?" dear hubby being tied with un-leave-able task, sent a delegation, Rickyboy, an officemate slash housemate [he often sleeps at our house, for working until too late at nights].

So Rickyboy, armed with a broom, crashed around and under the stove trying to scare off the rodent, while I helped him. I helped him in a sense that I yelled instructions from where I stood, you guessed it, on the sofa. Suddenly the rat disappeared, but I was skeptical because I didn't see it running through the ventilation. So I asked Rickyboy [politely as I can] to try to shake the stove, in case it found a living INSIDE the stove [just the thought of it made me shudder]. Turned out, I was right. After shaking the stove quite a few times, Rickyboy shouted the same word I shouted before, and claimed that he, this time, really SAW the rat going through the ventilation. Then I thought "Enough! I need a peace of mind!" so with Rickyboy [voluntarily, and or surrender to my sweetest request] guarding the ventilation, I cut heavy pieces of newspaper, and heavy duty duct-taped it to my ventilation windows. Fresh air or no fresh air.

So there... I was peaceful again for 2 days [should I mention that I double-checked the newspaper and the duct-tape every few hours if there's a chewed out hole?]. And at the moment I am writing this, few repair-man is putting mosquito wires to the ventilation windows! Isn't that great? But just to be sure, I think I have to check the wire, everyday, for any suspicious holes. There's no such a thing as 'too cautious'. Or is there?

freedom is empty

2004-12-09T23:24:00.000+07:00

I am like the flea in the closed box. I jumped high many times, but the lid of the box finally taught me to jump its high. I was cheering 'hooray' when somebody finally opened the box, and I thought I could jump higher, at last! But I was out of the box realizing, that I could not put the lid off my mind and couldn't jump any higher.

What is the meaning of freedom, if we cannot make anything out of it?

IT'S ALL RELATIVE

2004-12-05T19:55:00.000+07:00

Give me 2 nights with some skinny friends, and I am fat.
Give me some days with a petite friend, and I am gigantic.
Give me few hours with the 'guys', and I am feminine.
Give me moments with fashionably concious people, and I am so out dated.
Give me conversations with a girly girl, and I am a butch.
Give me a year in the United States, and I am petite.
Give me a meeting with few artists, and I am tasteless.
Give me a lunch with a corporate dude, and I am anti-establishment.
Give me a ride with a b**ch, and I am a goody-goody.
Give me minutes with some soft spoken girls, and I am crass.
Give me months with a naive bunch, and I am a cynic.

What am I?

ONE DALMATIAN

2004-11-26T14:11:00.000+07:00

Meet my neighbour's dog. It's a cute dalmatian, with black circles around its eyes. Big, slim and alert. It has this particular habit of barking into the night and early in the morning. And it's being on a leash and tied in the garage just beside our bedroom window, we are the loyal listener of his barking.

And like an alarm clock, it never fails. Ah, cute doggy...

2004-11-20T16:37:00.000+07:00

HOLLOWNESS...

In my head has victoriously dug its way to my heart. I was smugly thinking that I am going to be okay with myself. I was a fool to think that if I hold on to something strong enough, it would find its own way to make everything better.

Fool that I was.

I wish I could undo the things has done. I wish I could unwound the bleak wound that has been inflicted. I wish I could drink the tears that has been spilled. One thing I know for sure. I would spill blood if I have to.

Because failure is not an option.

2004-11-19T21:19:00.000+07:00

Barbed Wire and The Adventure in The Vicious Cycle

Apparently, there's this unseen aura around her that's been causing a stir inside this wretched industrial smoke machine. It's colors are bleak-ish yellow like the color of a 2 days old dog shit. Sometimes it appears in my dreams as a hollow point 9mm bullet to the brain a nano-seconds before waking up. In cold sweats, that is. Ciggaretes and alcohol, caffein and THC. A lepper for the cause, But the road is foggy and dramatic lighting abuse this sore eyes. Spiked words and sour faces, clinging like an overgrown koala brat. Feeding on the fears and clouds of spiritual carbon dioxide( so thick, it chokes me in the morning and sometimes, after dinner). The binding iron cast through my skin, cuts and blisters soaked in vinegar and salt. Bones broken, smashed into pulp, spirit crushed under the pressure. Seek all time highscore through hours of repetitive slap to the cheeks until the flesh corrupt and tore away. Bit by bit it sheds and stretch until its original form is unrecognizable. I hope things get better soon and the tides should be bearable.

2004-11-11T23:42:00.000+07:00

I WANT TO...

Dance with abandonment, with nothing than my favorite songs back to back, with a DJ that shall continually surprise me, and my favorite person somewhere near for me to kiss anytime I want to.

Eat rocher ice cream in the middle of a long hot sunny day, with a glass of ice water for me to drink whenever I feel the ice cream is too sweet, and feel the moisture drip through my throat, not enough to conquer my thirst, but just enough to satisfy me.

Make out while clinging to each other so tight until we feel that the only way to breath is from each other's mouth and the only thing we could do next that make sense is making love.

Listen to my favorite CD with closed eyes, and the world seems cease to exist and my brain could listen to the song, not judging and read to it, just listen.

Type my first novel without a pause and finish it within hours in a small cozy coffee shop, naturally the novel would be a best seller.

Have a conversation with a silly insignigicant topic and finally have equally silly conclusion.

Laugh until I feel my stomach ache and the corners of my lips are reaching my ears and my cheeks hurt.

Share a bottle of wine with Farid and Arief, laugh and talk and laugh and talk until we feel overwhelmed by our tipsiness and sleepiness.

Be drowned on a work that I don't realize that it's time to go home.

Find a new friend and strike up a random conversation and pleasantly surprised that we have so much in common.

Meet an old friend that has been missing and find out that we were never really out of sync.

Walk to a beach with my best looking bikini, boardshort, heavily sunblocked body, shades and my favorite margarita cooler, very cold in hand.

Have a baby of my own and everything about him is my husband's.

2004-11-11T03:22:00.000+07:00

WEE HOURS DIALOGUE

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, there is a husband and wife. Contently lying down on their matress, in a post-coital bliss, oblivious of what about to befall upon them. As always, the wife is on her side of the bed, and the husband, giving up his sense of territory and personal space, crunch her near to the jagged edge of the blessed divan.

Husband: Look at this! Look how big the bed is. We could fit one more person into this bed. Or even two people... We could fit one more couple on a bed this big.

Wife: Are you kind of suggesting we have a three way?

Husband: No, I am just stating the obvious fact that this bed is simply too big for just the two of us...

Wife: Are you saying you're not interested in having a menage a trois?

Husband: If I am, would you consider it?

Wife: Sure, as long as the third person is a man, or a gay man.

Husband: Hey!

Other upon a time, on the same bed. The husband and wife is clinging passionately on an embrace.

Husband: Hey you have...1 2 3 4 5 gray hairs!

Wife: What news, I'm old. Please pluck it for me.

Husband: If I do, what would be my reward?

Wife: Consider the gray hair as a gift voucher, you can claim it and you'd have a session of sex, whenever and however you want it.

Husband: There you go, the first one... can I claim it now? Can I claim it with the 'thing you haven't said yes to, but you said you eventually will'?

Wife: Not right now, I have a headache...

2004-11-03T21:53:00.000+07:00

LET US CHECK AND BE RE-CHECKED

Like other housewives I know, since Ramadhan I am hooked with the so called 'infotainment' on local televisions. But I rarely catch them because I never can remember what time they air.

Nothing to do at 2 AM, I switched to local channel, and voila! The infortainment with all its glory. At 2 AM. Unbelievable.

At least I learned something from it. I learned that one of Niang's cousin is Itje Trisnawaty look alike. I learned that Kiky Fatmala doesn't use 'ky' anymore to speak of herself [the habit, which was making her the butt of a lot of jokes]. I learned that Reza has to use the infotainment to speak with her kidnapped children [my heart cries for you, o diva]. I learned that Arzeti is 8 months pregnant AND still have the body of a model [I eternally hate her]. I learned that being a couch potato is quite fun.

Ramadhan will soon be over. So I have to switch back my habit from going to bed at 5.30 AM and waking up at noon [on my best days] to the usual schedule. I hope I can get rid of the velcro that has been attaching me with the couch. Amen.

2004-10-20T22:11:00.000+07:00

LORD OF THE WIT

To avoid misunderstandings, the 'wit' I will be talking about is the one which has this meaning: "The ability to perceive and express in an ingeniously humorous manner the relationship between seemingly incongruous or disparate things."

I think I have lost it. I was the queen of the wit, although not a very good one, and at times a cruel one.

But I miss it! I miss bantering with one of my witty friend and see who would be the first to be at loss for words. I used to have the last word. And no matter how cruel I was, my witty friends, for they know me so well, the won't get offended, because they knew I don't mean it. And they know that by "...and you're the queen of the drags" means "I love you so much, I don't want to lose you, my best friend!"

Not having a good friend here is one of the reason why I've lost my wit. There's no way I could practice it with almost total strangers, for I could be stamped as bitch.

I have to admit, that practicing my wit doesn't always mean I am practicing to be a good wife. Sometimes I make the mistake of trying to banter with my dearest hubby, and to my horror, he missed my point and got offended [poor hubby]. I forgot that once we got married, we tend to take everything quite personally [I am as guilty as well!].

So this message is an obituary. To my wit. May it rests in peace.

2004-10-16T20:44:00.000+07:00

...SO HE IS HOUDINI?

Call me still in the literary stone age, but I just read the book that said, this world is like the bunny that has been pulled up from the magician's hat. It totally makes sense to me. I read a lot of book in philosophy lately, and to me, it all makes sense. So does it make it true?

I have a faculty of wonders inside me. I am not wondering whats and hows, but I wonder whys. Why am I here? Do I have a reason to be in this world? Or should I just breathe in and out, waiting for my time to come? And then what? Are we really an energy that can float from one body to the other? Can I be reborn? Should I have these questions in my head? Or am I a musyrik already because I have these questions? Should I have faith in one religion? Or should I be afraid that I question every religion there is? Is there someone watching over us all? Or are we on our own?

There's nothing more appealing than just climb down the bunny's hair and curled up comfortably under it. But I cannot ignore the voices in my head. Should we concern about what the book mentioned as 'trivialities' such as jobs, money, and other worldly stuff? Or who is the author to call it trivial? Who knows they might be all there are to life, those trivial stuff.

One thing I know, I have too much free time in my hand right now. I don't have a friend here. Alone. But will you judge me if I say, I have the time of my life?

2004-10-15T14:25:00.000+07:00

THE LAST TEMPTATION

Ramadhan is here. Bad breath. Ever so sleepy. I thank God now I have the chance to stay home this Ramadhan. So if I cannot contain my sleepiness, I can just lay down in the sofa or, better, on the bed, rather than looking for an unoccupied office room and sneak a snooze with the fear of being caught.

Let see... they say one of the goodness of Ramadhan is we can get rid of our bad habit once and for all. It's quite effective I tell you, at least for the first and second month after Ramadhan. I usually smoke less, get worked up less and pray more. But like everything else, it usually fades away and the old habit was back with a vengeance.

I remember something that happened during Ramadhan in my high school years. I was in the class room, and I was talking to my friend, that I was planning to do fasting AND lose weight this year. To my horror, suddenly my friend gave me 'the look' and said,' you should've said you want to do fasting AND ibadah more, rather than lose weight. It's Ramadhan, it only comes once a year. You can lose weight whenever'. I think ibadah on Ramadhan goes without saying, don't you? That was what I told my friend. Maybe she thought I was shallow. Maybe I was.

The 'things' Leyla wants to get rid of:
my short temper, smoking habit [maybe not getting rid of, but reduce it a little bit], being manic, talking nonstop with pausing only when I am drinking or dragging, the itch to clean [I'm becoming Monica, I tell you] [well, again maybe not getting rid of, just tone it down]

The 'things' Niang wants to get rid of:
my even shorter temper, tone down the smoking as well, my "daki" ( which means i should take a bath soon), and that pink elephant named bob that's been living in my backyard since 1985..

Haha. My husband is a comedian.
Have a peaceful and blessed Ramadhan, everyone!

2004-09-29T20:54:00.000+07:00

MARRIAGE REPORT PART 1

It's been so long since I write here. But believe me, I write all the time. Just not here. It's almost 2 months since we got married. For those of you, who are already married, has anyone ever asked you, "Enak ngga, kawin?" I thought that is a pretty silly question. But if I think it through, not really. If we want to be honest, the answer would be ten pages long with 10 sized font and single space. But from many of those questions my answer would be: "Enak dong!"

And I have reasons to answer that way. First, my husband usually sit next to me, or next to the person who throws the question. Second, I feel I don't know the person who asked that well to reveal the complete answer. Third, to sum it all up, it was my honest answer.

For what I experienced, It's not always easy, it's not always fun, it's not always passionate, it's not always jump in the grass light-headed-ing, but it's always worth it.

2004-09-29T20:44:00.000+07:00

TAHU AND PEANUT GENIE

So there I was, dropping off dear husband at the airport. The driving to was quite easy, if you weren't mentioning the chain-fender bender on the bridge between the first and second toll gate. But the driving home. GOD! The traffic stopped since we went out of the airport. At the beginning I was busy talking to my mom. But when we got somewhere in the middle of nowhere [I think near Kamal exit] I noticed there are several men outside, selling tahu goreng, peanut, small bird's eggs [I forgot the name of the bird] and idon'tknowwhatelse. I began to wonder. Where the hell are these guys come from? I'm pretty sure we were about at least 5 kilometers from civilizations, and okay I accepted the fact that they could go there by motorcycle or ojek, but how in the world would they know that the traffic was so jammed, the kids on tricycle would have gone faster than us?

Maybe it's a special intuition. Or maybe they're genies.

So here I was, home, 2 hours later from dropping off my dear husband. I think he has already arrived to his destination. Makes me grateful that I don't live here anymore.

2004-09-08T21:01:00.001+07:00

BANDUNG KOTA KEMBANG

true true. for the first week of our marriage, flowers everywhere. in our room, in the living room, in the bathroom. a friend of mind had to pinch his nose because "I don't like the smell of flowers!" freak.

about being married. it's not at all different than having a new roommate. 'xcept you can have sex with him guilt and risk [kegep!]-free. haha.

so here i am. living in a strange city. where everyone seems to be taking their times in doing anything. anything. we can't be in a hurry, because you don't have friends if you're in a hurry. it takes a while to mind my pace. but i'll live.

i wonder how many times a month we should keep in touch with everyone in jakarta before they forget all about me? perhaps they have already! great!

2004-07-27T11:38:00.000+07:00

THE COUNTDOWN

If you're happened to live in Jakarta, and a radio listener, you might aware of the countdown to frequency changes from few of the FM radio stations. "6 days to 102.2" says the announcers in Prambors. I hear them as: "6 days to your couplehood". It's like having your own personal calendar reminder. Verrry nice.

The thing about getting married soon enough, people seem not to know what good things they could tell you. So they'll end up asking things like:"Udah luluran belum?" or "Udah diratus?" Once is okay. Twice is doesn't matter. But everyday for the rest of the week everytime I meet people? It gets me wondering whether I look that dirty, so I desperately need to be scrubbed off to oblivion. And what's the hype about 'ratus' anyway? My married friends it has no effect whatsoever on their first nights. And they have to endure getting naked 'down there' squatting in a small bench, where maybe hundreds of women have been squatting and naked 'down there' too. Ain't a pretty picture.

The answer is no, bytheway, I haven't had time to lulur. Perhaps today, if I'm lucky and get the appointment.

I never knew that the trickiest point of making my wedding kebaya is making my boobs look bigger and my waist smaller. Mind you, my body type is way different than my sister's and my mom's. It's straight all the way from head to toe. Even if I were heavier. I thank God, because I could never handle the attention gracefully if I were 'stacked' [pardon me] like my sister. Lucky me, the designer/stylist is clever enough to nip there and add here and there to my kebaya and VOILA! Suddenly I have curves! Ha ha.

Don't you hate it when you have a thought in the back of you're mind saying that you might forgetting something important? I've been having those for the past 2 weeks. And it makes me nervous.

Anyways, there's almost nothing for me to do than hoping all's well on the D-Day. And I hope there's hope for happiness for me. I don't ask for a blissful, problem-free marriage. I just ask for me to not ask much from life and partnership. To love him just the way he is, and him to love me for the way I am. To be open mind of every obstacle that would come our way. Let myself cry, laugh, be sad and happy from bad or good experiences that we will have, yet still be greatly grateful, that I have someone, that will promise, to be there for me, for the rest of our lives.

Wish me luck.

2004-07-13T01:11:00.000+07:00

PAST MIDNIGHT RAMBLINGS

whatever came to my mind, that I drank that stupid caramel machiatto. can't sleep. don't even feel sleepy. too many things going in my head. and none of them are positive.

i wish i am stronger, wiser. i wish i can be independent all my life. i wish i were a mother. i wish i love more.

am i good to myself? do i believe in a greater being? do i have faith? can i do this?

i cannot believe i walked this world with cocky strides, head up high in the clouds, and later realized that infact i am nothing. it's all meaningless.

i can't do this. i don't think i can.

i just want to sleep.

i can't let anybody know that i am terrified, weak. they'll eat me alive. they'll know that i don't have anything they could want from me, and they'll eat me alive.

stop. looking. for. meaning.

scared

for I am.

2004-06-24T14:55:00.000+07:00

let not

let not the people be your
foundation
not the young girls,
not the old girls,
not the young men,
not the old men,
not those in-between,
not any of these,
let not people be your
foundation.

rather
build on sand
build on landfills,
build over cesspools,
build over graveyards,
build over water,
but don't build on the
people.

they are a bad bet,
the worst bet you can make.

build it elsewhere,
anywhere else,
anywhere
but on the people,
the headless, heartless
mass
mucking up the
centuries,
the days,
the nights,
the towns, the cities, the
nations,
the earth,
the stratosphere,
mucking up the
light,
mucking up
all chance,
here,
totally mucking
it up
then
now
tomorrow.

anything,
compared to the people,
is a foundation worth
searching for.

anything.

by Charles Bukowski, our favorite poet. For nobody, I mean nobody has captured my thoughts perfectly as he did...

2004-06-12T02:37:00.000+07:00

MY BIRTHDAY WAS...

I know it's silly to fuss on one's birthday, when one's over thirty. But as long as I can remember, my birthday, this Monday, was the most colorful ever. You, Steve, Ayi congratulated me at exactly 12 o'clock. Ayi made the rainbow colored bubbles. Fargo. Mystic River. Kisses.

On board with 3 of the craziest people I know. Sang. Laughed. Screamed. From Bandung to Jakarta. Porno aksi. Indomaret Purwakarta. Love. Love. And Love.

Later in the evening. Yummiest sushi with your smiling face. Cheesecake and Oreo Blizzard. Feeling really full in the stomach. Monday Mayhem. Black Vodka. Beer. Groovy songs by Ant.

I wish I could re-play it from time to time. When I'm feeling like I am six feet under, I can say: I had a blast on my 31^st birthday! Thanks to you, Love. I will never forget that day.

2004-06-01T19:42:00.000+07:00

A LICENSE TO BRIBE

It's finally come. The time I dreaded the most. Renewing my driver's license. It's a week to my birthday, and since 'tempus fugit', yes, it's been 5 years since the last time I have to face those bureaucracy.

So there I was, under the unforgiving stinging sun of Jakarta, at SAMSAT Jakarta Timur. Instinctively, I went into the biggest building there. I searched and looked for a sign said 'SIM' but to no avail. Finally I grabbed a man randomly and asked: "Pak, kalo mau perpanjangan SIM di mana ya?" "Di gedung sebelah Mbak," he said. Once again, I burned my oh so fair skin outside and cluelessly walk to the direction I guessed is the way to 'the next building'. After walking here and there, uselessly looking for clues or directories, I settled asking to a parking officer. He wordlessly pointed to the nearest building from where we stood, yet said, that I have to go around the fence to get there. There was no connecting door or anything. Well d-uh.

On the way to the 'building' I got harassed by few calos:"Mbak, mau ditolong? Bikin SIM ya? Cepet Mbak, nggak usah nunggu, murah kok," about 10 of them said the same thing. I put my determined look and said "Mau urus sendiri pak, terimakasih."

As I got there, I found this little hole infront of the building, and I asked there what should I do if I want renew my license. A police officer called me into the room and said straightfacedly,"Ada dua cara mbak, kalo mbak mau urus sendiri waktunya bisa berjam-jam, tapi kita bisa nolong, cuma makan waktu 15 menit". I looked around, try to find a price list or some kind of 'menu' on how much is cost 'normally'. Couldn't find it everywhere. "Ya udah pak, kalau ditolongin bayarnya berapa?" I asked, "Seratus duapuluh ribu" the officer said. I remembered only had about fifty thou in my wallet, I excused myself to look for an ATM.
moral of the paragraph: you know you're kinda in a uncivilized zone if you can't find a BCA ATM within 5 kilos radius. It took me 45 minutes and a ride around KaliMalang, Klender and vicinity to finally found one near Gudang Peluru [and all this time I think BCA ATM in Jakarta is equivalent to Starbucks in US, you can find one every 100 meters].

After convinced that I have sufficient fund, I went back there. So there I was again, handing the officer my ID and the 120thou, and in no time, I found myself moving from one loket to the other, as fast as a speeding bullet. The officer kept his promise, I got my renewed license in 15 minutes! Can you believe that??? I brought a book, thinking I was going to be in waiting for some time, yet I never even have to bring it out my bag.

So 10 minutes later, I was on my way to my office, with my renewed license, and Rp.135.000 poorer [the government now give you driver's insurance for only Rp.15.000, so I thought, what the heck... I could use one], my lips actually look blue-ish on the picture, but to think that I don't have to do that for another 5 years really makes my DAY!

PS: Hari ini 100% mendukung teori gue tentang cara berpikir orang Indonesia:"Kalo bisa dibikin susah, kenapa juga dibikin gampang?"

2004-05-29T22:44:00.000+07:00

A TRAIN KARMA

Have you ever felt, somewhere between asleep and awake, you are in a state where you are a stranger that trapped in your body? Suddenly you feel small and insignificant? This world and all the creatures, machines in it, don't make any sense. Even the names are meaningless to you.

Suddenly you wonder, what is the meaning of this life? Why struggle, fight, try or even wake up everyday when you know you'll end up
dead.

2004-05-29T22:40:00.000+07:00

MEANINGLESS

Aren't we have enough of the purposeful Monday to Friday? Does EVERYTHING we do have to have a meaning?

When it comes to break the routine, I have a rule: It doesn't mean anything, that what makes it so ~~fucking~~ important.

2004-05-29T22:30:00.000+07:00

FRIENDS, etc.

Philosophical Question of the Day:
How much should we listen to others' advice when it comes to our life?

Personally, I cannot wait to get out and get going, when it comes to jobs. I think I can be 150% more productive OUTSIDE the office. Don't get me wrong, I love my recent job. I love my colleagues. But I don't love the working hours. I can get it done in less than 15 hours/ week inspite of wasting my time 40 hours/week doing almost nothing.

I have so many plans that I cannot wait to make through. I have so many dreams I can't wait to build. And I've worked on the paths so I can make sure the journey won't be too bumpy. But many advise me otherwise. "Don't be stupid to let go your monthly wage," they say. "You can do anything WHILE you're still working," they say. But I also believe if we only give 50% percent of our time and effort on anything, we would have only 50% of the optimal result.

Am I ready to take the plunge?

2004-05-18T19:21:00.000+07:00

MY CRICKET LIGHTER

I just realized. That Hero charged Rp.7400 for a mini Cricket electronic lighter. Rp.7400. For a mini lighter. What a rip off. Better off buying M2000 that costs only seceng. Rip off! [And I have bought tons of them, yet never really read the receipts]

2004-05-08T21:47:00.000+07:00

BACK-STABBING PAIN

The Bad News.
Again. I'm in pain. I don't consider myself whiny... but I am really in pain. There's this spasm that starts from somewhere below the back of my neck and goes thru just above my mid-arm. And if I make a sudden move... oh wow... Feels like hundreds of small knives slashing my muscles. And the scary thing is, I am not exaggerating. This is not the first time I suffer from this pain, it's the second. The previous one was about 2 years ago. When I looked back, I admit I was in a lot of stress then. Maybe that was what triggered it. But now? I think all I am thinking about is what will I have for lunch tomorrow... I also learned from the first pain, that physiotherapy wouldn't help that much. But reflexiology did.

So I went. Walking like an old lady with a lot of brats as grandchildren, I went to the reflexiology parlour. I took the new Newsweek [the only magazine I read nowadays. No, it's not MTVTrax, mind you] with me. While the masseuse was working on my toes, I flipped through my Newsweek. And...VOILA! an article title caught my eyes. "The Great Back Pain Debate". What a coincidence, I thought. So I read through it. It said that the pain can be caused from herniated disc [spine, not music], slipped vertebra, disc degeneration or strains/sprains. With my great analytical mind, I assumed that my case would be the first one, or the last one. And then a paragraph surprised me. It said that, from 100 people they examined, all of them have the first or the last case, yet only 76% people complained. What gives?

Let me quote from the article: "At the Integrative Care Center of New York's Hospital for Special Surgery, physiatrist Gregory Lutz says he routinely sees [wo]men who have two things in common: rip-roaring sciatica and an upcoming wedding date. The problem in their back, possibly a degenerated or herniated disc, probably already existed, says Lutz, but was intensified by premarriage jitters."

I quoted this to Niang. He laughed his heart out.

The Good News.
We finally set a date! Oh wow. I haven't realized how serious this is, until me and my mom shopped for my kebaya, hers and Niang's mother's. And it slapped in the face. I am so lucky to have this man wants me. But why am I still in pain?

2004-05-06T21:51:00.000+07:00

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE UNIMPORTANT

Have you ever felt so many feelings at one time, that you feel you might burst?
Tears welled up from your eyes, yet you don't know what cause them
You're ready to laugh as you are to cry, break into songs, or scream out loud

Every song seems to add it up
Even a silly movie makes you feel like you're going to explode
Each joke your friends tell, you laugh as hard as you can
All, just to convey what's inside

You hope and wish you could share them to anyone
But how can you share it,
If you don't know what it is?

2004-04-29T23:18:00.000+07:00

FOR LOVE OR NOTHING

I just finished watching the last episode of 'For Love or Money' season 2. The result of the show kinda makes me thinking. For those of you who isn't familiar with the show, let me give you the gist:

First Season: One man, 15 women, in search of love. The women were put in a luxurious villa. The minute they got there, there was a man, who informed them that the woman chosen to be with this one man, will win a million dollar. A million dollar. A million dollar. In case the amount hasn't seeped in on the first time. There they went, competing, putting each other down. Until there was one woman chosen, her name is Erin. Previously, Erin was also informed that she couldn't have both. She had to choose between the man, or the million. So. Standing face to face with this chiseled man, who was also hopeful and hopelessly in love with her, Erin coldly chose the cold, hard cash.

Second Season: As if a million is inadequate, the show invited Erin back. This time it was her, and 15 ridiculously hunky guys. If she could make a guy chose her over money, she would win 2 million dollars [!] PLUS she could keep the guy. For the guys, if one got picked by Erin, it was either Erin, or a million dollar. When this guy, Chad was picked by Erin, he chose her and burnt his [have I mentioned] a million dollar check.

What am I thinking now? I thought women should be the one who's lovey dovey and put love in pedestal. Women shouldn't choose money over love... Men do that! It's not my point of view, really, my thoughts are based on things called 'reality' and 'stereotypes'.

Okay. So things have changed. How much? Perhaps the origin of stereotyping women to be the emotional ones was: men were the sole provider of the family, so women were pretty much helpless without their provider. Thus, they emotionally and financially attached to their partners. Men are independent. Women are dependent. Boys don't cry. Women use tears as their weapon.

What about now? How many men do you know, who're shamelessly shed their tears over love? How many women shunt a perfectly fine man over financial reasons [i.e. his salary hasn't reached 8 digits number]? Are we really equal now? Are we? Are we? Are we? [the annoying commercials Isman mentioned finally got me]

2004-04-20T23:41:00.000+07:00

GOOD

Tonight, on my way home after work
The breeze was so good, I let my window open
It was blowing through my hair
so good

I dragged my cigarette and drive away
home, where my dinner is waiting

the breeze blowing
life is good
mine as well enjoy it
maybe it's as good as it gets

2004-04-19T17:29:00.000+07:00

I Am Myself My Biggest Fan

(Peringatan !!: ini adalah sebuah resensi musik sok tau, jadi jgn dianggap serius)

Kalimat diatas berasal dari sebuah lagu bergenre electroclash yang dibawakan oleh grup yang entah saya gak tau namanya apa karena dengernya dari cd hasil burn dari punya orang.. Apa itu electroclash? ada yang bilang bahwa electroclash adalah gabungan dari genre electro dan punk,walau kalau didengar selintas agak mirip techno dengan banyak campuran spoken words, atau whatever lah!! Diluar perdebatan soal genre tadi, saya suka jenis musik yang satu ini karena spiritnya yang memang punk banget (maa'f, buat saya melodic punk seperti Blink 182 atau sejenisnya spirit punknya sudah mati, tipikal tapi tepat, alasan saya adalah karena ia sudah menjadi komoditi dagang). Sarkastis, sintetis, DIY, Ruff, terutama karena faktor DIY nya yang kalo kata saya sih, REBEL banget.. keluar dari standar2 industri yang pinginya begini begini atau begitu begitu.. gak penting ah.. Lantas apa yang penting? SPIRIT nya! spirit rebelnya! Mungkin emang lagi musim musik sekarang berbondong - bondong berontak, keliatan juga dengan naik daunnya GARAGE (Strokes, Vines, Hives dan band2 the the lainnya) dan industri cukup sigap dengan merekrut mereka ke labelnya (lagi2 komoditi).. Beruntunglah Electroclash, karena kesensitifan para pelakunya yang cenderung menjaga agar genre ini tak jatuh ke kegagalan ideologis seperti pendahulu - pendahulunya. Memang terdengar eksklusifis, namun tau kah anda? Musik jenis ini bisa anda buat sendiri dengan mudah di komputer pribadi anda!! Gunakanlah software2 seperti Fruity loops studio, atau cool edit, atau Reason atau banyak lainnya yang bisa anda dapatkan bajakannya di grosir2 software bajakan di kota anda! Gak perlu ribet2! Yang penting Bass lines yang menggaet, Beat2 sintetis yang repetitif, dan yang paling penting adalah REBEL ATTITUDE!! ya! ini sangat penting sekali karena inilah sebenarnya esensi dasar dari PUNK yang merupakan akar dari elektoclash tersebut!! Hal tersebut mengingatkan saya akan komentar dari seorang tokoh punk yang saya lupa siapa. Dia bilang, "Ini kunci G, ini kunci F, ini kunci D.. nah sekarang anda siap untuk menciptakan lagu" Hmm.. apakah artinya tidak banyak bedanya antara musik POP dan PUNK? mungkin juga, tapi disinilah perbedaan esensial dari kedua musik tersebut muncul, yakni REBEL ATTITUDE tadi.. Ya, saya pribadi perlu menjaga semangat pemberontak ini muncul, terlalu banyak fakor yang menekan jiwa kita untuk cuma menjadi sekedar kambing gembala yang digiring ke rumah jagal. dan saya bukan kambing. Saya harimau..!! AUMM!!! AUMMM!!! AUMM KUSMAN!!! AUMM SHIN RI KYO!!! GRRRRR!!

2004-04-13T23:30:00.000+07:00

REALLY?

My father said the strangest thing tonight. He said, if you don't have a good relationship with your parents, you can't have a good relationship with anyone else in this world!

Really?

I snorted at first. I was scared the next moment.

As weird as it might sound, it's totally make sense!

Now I am in a horror because, as much as I respect them, I don't think I can go on living with them. Not without losing my sanity.

Really?

Think it over. And tell me...

2004-04-06T15:57:00.000+07:00

A Haiku For A Black Soul

Tears..
drop
On dusty leaves

2004-04-03T23:30:00.000+07:00

LOSING MY RELIGION

I don't know about you, but I think, religion is a very personal matter. If it's up to me I wouldn't put it in any Identification forms. But here, it really doesn't matter anymore. We just jot down our (so called) beliefs on the blank area next to the word: agama. But do we really believe in that?

I believe many of us here, have our belief from inheritance. Our parents are Islam, so we're Muslim. And so forth. Can we choose? Probably not. Do we feel sheltered spiritually? Not necessarily.

I personally think, media such as television, newspaper, magazine and all have made religion over-rated. Then people become posers. They have to prove to others that they're good people by saying: I'm a good Muslim, I pray 5 times a day! I am a good Christian, I go to church every week. But is that really what make us good people? Okay, you probably haven't missed a single pray all your life, but if you can sit comfortably while watching your close relatives or friends suffer, SO the hell WHAT? The posers probably say: nahhh, it's okay, I've redeemed all my sins, because I pray 5 times a day.

Human nature suppose to be more than that.

You know what the world is missing? Balance. We don't have any balance at all. Yet, everything in this universe depends on balance. Yin and Yang. Woman and Man. Mars and Venus. If we look around us carefully, you'll find the miracle everywhere. If we stop and observe the nature of the world, of human, we will regain our faith. It's all around us, here, on earth. All we have to do is see it! With different pair of eyes.

You don't need to hear a Kyiai's speech to be a good Muslim. They're just human, like us. Human tends to judge. Who are they to say, whether we go straight to hell or heaven?

Dengan semua partai yang sedang berkampanye mengatas-namakan agama, terus terang buat saya malu punya agama yang sama dengan mereka. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO DO THOSE THINGS TO RELIGION!

Why can't those people see? Our belief has become nothing more than campaigns with every party has hidden agenda. It's not right. Maybe we should trace back the nature of our religion. Brights, Paganism, it turns out, they have negative connotations falsely. The belief simply worship nature. They believe in the divine balance of the universe. Why is that so wrong?

I read in this book, that the end of days has come. The word 'the end of days' doesn't mean doomsday. It simply means the end of centuries of Pisces. Pisces symbolizes Jesus. The century of Aquarius will come, the water bearer. So the spiritual energy will be shifting. It says in the century of the water bearer, people are becoming more skeptical of their present beliefs. Eventually they will seek console in their own ways, and create the divine balance once again.

I just hope the book is more fact than fiction.

2004-04-01T22:23:00.000+07:00

BLEAK HOUSE

Black is what I feel

I feel love, I feel warmth, I feel friendly
I feel smothered

Been spending all my life,
pleasing everyone

can I take a holiday from all this?
tiptoeing around everyone's feeling

yet

I often forget what I feel
Do I feel, at all?

In my dreams
I am turning into a machine
full of life, yet emotion-less

maybe I'd be better off

I feel black

2004-03-19T22:51:00.000+07:00

GOOD MANNER HUNTING

I don't know where Indonesians get the label as 'friendly' people. I guess people who made that label is rich people, you know, with money and all. Because Indonesians are friendly with money. Oh, yes they are. Sometimes we are not only un-friendly, we're almost rude. We ARE rude.

Don't try to tell me otherwise, for I've got evidence.

1. From my experience, no man has ever offered me his seat in a crowded bus or train, nor they offered theirs to the more desperate party, say a pregnant woman holding a baby? I think I've told Donna about this. I was on this bus, from Bogor to Sukabumi. I got the last seat, so I sat. But not for long. Ten minutes later this pregnant lady got in the bus, and since I got the last seat, the lady had to stand for about 15 minutes with nobody I mean NOBODY offered her a seat. So I thought "F**k them" and I gave my lady a seat. No men budged on their seats. Some even avoided my hostile eye contact. My story doesn't stop there. So there I was, standing crookedly, due to the low-ceilinged bus. A dirty looking old man got in the bus, and he wasn't just standing behind me, he stick his crotch on my ~~ass~~ butt! ICK!

2. I had my share of my face sticking to the glass door, because a man that came infront of me won't hold it open for me.

3. How many times I encountered a toilet bowl full of ~~piss~~ urine and wet seats? I've lost count.

I just read that "good manners will open doors a good education can't", so people, is it that hard to have a good manner?

2004-03-17T01:44:00.000+07:00

I WANT YOUR SEX

... opinion. Got your attention, didn't I? It's mating season. Many of my colleagues, ex-colleagues, will-be-colleagues are getting married. Including my boss. Instead of being happy that he's gonna get hitched, boy, he is freaking out. There are plenty of 'what ifs' going on in his mind. Including how he's going to negotiate his 'buddy-time' once or twice a week with his future wife. What if one day he becomes bored of having sex with his future wife? And one more question that I think (sorry, boss) it's very stupid.

You see, there's one colleague of mine emmmm let's call him Y, he's married to this woman, emmmm let's call her X. We all know that Y is a very nice guy, and he's doing almost anything to please X, who is his wife. But she doesn't seem to understand it. She sometimes picks a fight with Y during the rush office hours, which is annoying to us, and it'll take Y to console her through the phone a long long long ( I mean long) time. In a nutshell, X is a very demanding, attention gorging wife. AND, what worries my boss is, lately, his lovely future wife is sooo close to X. Close like twin sisters, who have to talk at least once every day.

"Lei? Do you think she's going to be like her? I don't want her to! Do you see the resemblance? What do you think?"
"YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK YOU ARE ANNOYING!"

Yeah right. Like I have the guts to shout it in his face. Now let's focus on the sex issue here. My married friend (a man, naturally) say that it's IMPORTANT (emphasize important) to have high level of sexual compatibility in a marriage. He continues in a sad sad face, that he realized it too late, for now, he has a wife, and a mistress that is, I quote, 'his sexual soulmate'. My boss says that his future wife's sex is okay, but he'll afraid that someday, he might want to try a greener pasture (mooo...). I personally think, that sex is not an issue until one feels that one needs more/less sex. But why, I ask my boss, enter the marriage, if you're not that sure?

Ah what the hell I am talking about, I am rambling. Maybe I need more.

2004-03-11T16:55:00.000+07:00

A FRIEND INDEED!

I am hooked. I don't know when it started, but I was invited to Friendster by a colleague of mine, and a month later I was hooked.

Umar said it better, there go my productive days... But of course, if deadline strikes, I have to forget about my so-called 'friends' for a while. What a perfect way to procastinate... *sigh*

So, I am pretty much stuck at 71 friends here, anyone else want to be my friend?

2004-03-08T16:36:00.000+07:00

A WEIRDO FRIDAY-O

It was all started with an invitation from my former colleague, Doni. He asked me to accompany him 'happy hour'ing at downstairs cafe. He would be with his sister and his fiance. I brought Niang with me, naturally. Niang and I were planning to drive to Bandung around midnight, and decided a happy hour moment would be a best way to kill time.

So we met at approximately 6.30 PM, I found out, that Don's sister's fiance was my highschool friend. So the conversation went on smoothly. So did the beer pitcher and my glasses of margarita (can't drink beer, ulcer). The laugh got harder, and the movement became more clumsy. Don decided to crank it up a notch by ordering 2 rounds of tequila shots for us.

I recalled head banging to the songs of Toxicity and Megalomaniac, and when I glanced it was only 7.30. I recalled waiting for Niang outside the men's room. He took so long (puking, later I confirmed). I've been to parties quite a lot with my man, and I've never seen him this drunk. I recalled seeing Don fell at the bottom of the stairs and people staring at us ('is that your friend?' look), and we could not pretend that he wasn't with us, for he was holding my wallet.

Needless to say much, I managed to drive from Jakarta to Bandung, sober (throbbing headache didn't count, I guess), with my man blacking out from time to time beside me. My transition was so smooth, I didn't notice when the drunkness went aside and the hang-over kicked in.

Anyways, we had fun! Let's do it again sometimes, Don? Intan? Irsan?

*Moral of the story: If you feel drunk, surround yourself with drunker people, and you'll be the most sober of the pack.

*Update from Don: He sent me a message on Saturday noon, saying that he didn't remember anything from that night, all he knew that he was waking up sometime around 3 o'clock in the morning with his car half parked on a curb on jalan Asia Afrika. O yes, his glasses is doing an MIA. And he's half blind.

*Moral of the incident: My man swore that he won't touch alcohol for another 6 months, at least (give me 2 weeks).

2004-03-05T00:25:00.000+07:00

A STARBUCKS MOMENT

Sometime 2 days a go. A little bit past midnight. Starbucks Djakarta Theatre. We sat face to face. Talked about nonsense and stuff. I wanted to draw something, so I took out my little notebook, and started scribbling. You scribbled some drawings too. Suddenly we. Stop. And stared at each other for quite sometime.

You wrote:
There are times when suddenly everything else blurred out of vision. What's left is that loving look in your eyes and that elvish mug of yours.

I can't imagine life without you these days, is it healthy? I know I'm not obsessed with you, but still it seems impossible that there's such a life without you.

I once tried, a few years back, living without a thought of seeking love (not seeking, maybe, kinda tried killing the need for one) and I ended up with this hollow feeling inside me, then I tried filling it with various 'found objects' but still the feeling existed.

Then I found you.

And now I know what's that hollow inside my heart...

It's my need for you...

I know I'd remember this moment, this 'Starbucks Moment' for the rest of my life...

I wrote:
I wouldn't ruin this moment by words from my stupid mouth and pen. I'd just take a deep breath, and feel blessed, grateful that I have you...

You wrote:
Why do you think that your word'd be stupid? Just be honest. What do you feel right now, when I look into your eyes with those words inside my head?

I mouthed, I don't know.

You wrote:
Can you describe it?

I wrote:
I cannot believe that when I wasn't looking for love, it struck me in the head with a loud 'BANG' and the 'BANG' is you. You make me believe again. You make me want to be a better person. You make me the person I was, that I liked so much, that I've forgotten existed a long time a go. It's you who makes me think that love isn't always about disappointment, but about hope.

You wrote:
Thank you for everything. Thank you for these. I don't think I'd be what I am now without you.

I said, you are what you are, with or without me.

You wrote:
Without you, I'd still be that slacker spending hours after hours of brain numbing games and activity in my dark cave...

I said, you still do that...

You wrote:
I know I still do that but in the last couple of months, I realized that there's more to life than that... Actually I've been asking that question for years, if there's more to life than 'this'. I used to lack of motivation to change myself into a better me. But you make me 'see' the light. Lo tuh pencerahan gue lei!!

I wrote:
You make me a better me, you make me want to make a better version of me, continually (leyla version 2.0)

You wrote:
I used to be a beta. You make me a v1.0

My my. Aren't we love fools, babe? Is it possible to stay level-headed yet head over heels in love? I guess it is...

2004-03-02T14:51:00.000+07:00

LOOKING THROUGH THE EYES OF THE TIGER

I'm so tired. Tired of this world. Tired of people. Tired. I just want to sleep. Sleep.

I consider myself more a lover than a fighter. But why oh why do I have such hatred? I rarely let myself be annoyed. But I find this woman so annoying that I have a huge urge to slap her from here to eternity.

She's one of of the AEs in my office. Don't get me wrong, I don't always hate her, she was my friend. We used to hang out on weekends, and we share some things in common. Although sometimes I think that she thinks that she knows more than she truly does, but I'd rather say nothing about that. Again, I am a lover, not a fighter. I once said that she's a younger, less wise version of me. I am not young enough to know everything. She is.

We had our arguments over work, for she is the type who cannot say no to clients and almost always end up giving extra work to program department crews. I resent her for that. But we always made up.

She was a ready ear, when I broke up with my previous boy friend. I noticed my ex also told her many things about us in different occasion. But I thought she was on my side. I once teased her about that, and I said, I knew that they were close, and if she decided to take my ex as her boyfriend, I didn't mind. I remember exactly what was her reply to my remark:
"Ih, engga lah, lei, masa gue ngambil bekas lu, kaya engga ada orang lain aja"

Needless to say, she and my ex become an item 2 weeks later.

I didn't have problem with that then, I don't have problem with that now. But she does. I don't know why, but she seems to hate my guts after making acquaintance with my ex.

She avoids coming to program dept. side of the office, for she knows that I'll always around (hell, I'm in charge here). She never discuss anything with me, and became annoyingly demanding and whiny over smallish problem of her clients. I find no such hassle from other AEs. She often badmouths me and my crews. I'm not trying to be a good guy here, but when she does talk about me behind my back, somebody always warn me (God is Fair).

I don't know what's ~~the bitch's~~ her problem, but sometimes it gets to my skin, and like I said, I would love to give her my best kick on the face. Or is it better if I inject poison to her teh kotak in office's fridge?

I just want to sleep...

2004-02-27T22:48:00.000+07:00

BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WISH FOR...

About last week, I had myself wondering: why oh why, as a Jakartan, I haven't got a chance to ride the Trans Jakarta Busway? I haven't had 'needs' to go where the busway will take me. I rarely went to South Jakarta or (God Forbid) Central Jakarta anymore, the laziness becomes me.

Well, me and my bigmouth.

Last Wednesday, when Doni and Agung asked me to meet them at Plaza Senayan, I welcomed the invitation without any second thought. For I've got a perfect form of transportation, yet haven't got any destinations.

So I left my car at the office, and I happily bought a Busway ticket. Feeling like a tourist, I constantly craned my neck to see the view. Don't get me wrong, I passed this street like millions of time, but I was always driving, so I haven't really 'taken' the view. I got off the bus, feeling like a winner.

Today, my colleagues had this brilliant idea to have lunch at EX Plaza Indonesia. So we went. Not by usual bajaj, but busway. We didn't pass any shelter from Sarinah to Bunderan HI (hell, they're next to each other), but we were giggling cheerfully (now I wonder why), and we were singing as we walked through the bridge (imagine that! It was 5 of us!). I felt like school kids on a study tour.

After lunch, we went back to Sarinah, by, you guessed it, busway.

After office hour, my sister called me. She was stuck at EX. I asked her to join us to Nasi Uduk Kebon Kacang. She didn't know the way to get there. She asked me to get her at EX, and ride with her to Nasi Uduk. Okay, that's too much. I took busway (again) to EX (again).

And I was wishing I could go somewhere with the bus, and today I took it three times. I just realized that I have sore ~~ass~~ buttocks and legs for climbing and un-climbing those stairs.

I'm sooo out of shape. Yoga, anyone?

2004-02-26T00:40:00.000+07:00

O CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN

I'm so excited. And I can't hide it. Nah. I lied. I've made the same post earlier but I lost it. Thanks to the really slow network I got in the office.

Anyways, I was telling that Star Trek Enterprise will be on Star World soon! I really hungry for Star Trek things nowadays, that I was almost forget that I am basically a geek. I can't wait to see another Captain on my screen. Will Captain Jonathan Archer measure up to the previous captains I know?

If you're not already informed, Enterprise is more prequel than sequel to other series. The year isn't that far to when Dr. Cochrane first invented Warp Drive. The Ship, Enterprise, only runs by Warp 5 Complex (I don't know what 'complex' means, bytheway, maybe it only shows that warp drive isn't simple. well duh!), compare to USS Enterprise 1701D from The Next Generation that runs warp 9.5 and USS Voyager that can go as fast as warp 9.95 (why not 10?).

But I am most curious about the captain's character.

I used to love Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Despite of his baldness, his French name yet thick English accent, annoying habit of drinking Earl Grey. I loved the way he called Will Riker 'number one'. I quoted the way he set a course and then said 'engage' or 'make it so'. But I don't think he 'boldly went where no man has gone before', for the USS Enterprise D (to be short) only roam around Alpha Quadrant, and meet the neighbors of Romulans, Ferengis, Klingons and few other aliens.

That, compares to the Voyager series. I loved that Captain Kathryn Janeway is addicted to coffee (finally, manly stuff!). I read that she was being promoted into an Admiral, but I guess I missed the ceremony. And, for a ship that small (Voyager only measured half as big as USS Enterprise D) they can survive Delta Quadrant, where (say it with me!) no man has gone before. They manage meeting endless unpredictable creatures from GodKnowsWhere in the universe. Although thrown there by accident, Captain Janeway beautifully lead the ship through hell, and make it back safely to earth (it says so on the web, I haven't seen the series finale).

Enough of the sentiments, I really hope this new series will be like dew to my Star Trek thirst. I just hope there're no more romantic scenes from the Captain. I can do without them. Bring more technology and less love story, please! I bet Gene Roddenberry is smiling in his grave.

2004-02-24T20:37:00.000+07:00

WHAT'S THE USE OF A LONG WEEKEND?

Aren't they suppose to give your spirit back? But why am I feel so despirited right now? I kinda feel that I had a glimpse of heaven, and then thrown back to ~~hell~~ the real world. Nah. I was just exaggerating. I tend to feel that way after a weekend in Bandung, with Niang, ofcourse. At least I have a quite productive one, in a skewed point of view.

1. I finally met Tenshi and The Fool. We had quite a talk. Lasted 3 hours. And didn't realize it until we finally on our way home, and looked at the watch.
2. Me and Niang tried some new recipes. Vodka+Calpico is yum!
3. I got my man a new haircut. I can consider a new career as a barber. Niang sure looks good with the new haircut. Says me.
4. I stayed up and listening to Niang making a new song. It's very good. I hope I can get the samples really soon.
5. I met Niang's big big family, and I think my people skill was improved somehow. Or maybe I was just in a really good mood?

Those, and many more. I also learnt it was no good to try to get a train ticket by queueing the day a long weekend started and ended. Me and Niang's sister's boyfriend, Steve had to stand in line for 3.5 hours until we finally get out ticket. I had to cancel my leaving yesterday because the line was so ~~fucked up~~ unbearable. Oh well. Better get ready for office tomorrow.

2004-02-20T08:03:00.000+07:00

I FEEL STUPID AND CONTAGIOUS

My first editorial meeting with the magazine people. No, I haven't started there yet, now I'm more like having one foot on my old job and another on the new one. Shit. I got myself into a brain damage.

I entered the meeting room clueless. Spend half of the time not knowing what's going on, and other half trying hard to catch up.

When the chief-editor turned to me and ask for ideas, all I can give him is my stupidest grin.

Truthfully I am not a magazine reader. I flip through them like almanac near doomsday. Never really read it, unless there's something that interests me so. I was afraid my so-called 'original idea' turned out to be passe for them.

So there was I. Sitting neatly. Clamming up happily.

When it was finally over, my program crews have waited for me on another meeting. In this meeting, I shot words like there's no tomorrow. I was a machine gun.

*mental note for today:
Don't wear a high top converse, if you have to take it off more that once at the office.

*Today's Pondering:
Why people have this term of 'Happy as a Clam'? What makes they think that a clam is happy? We catch them for the pearl and the meat. Why should they be happy?

*cry for help
I left the editorial meeting with the managing editor giving me tasks of 3 Indonesian books reviews. Heeeelp! Can you please recommend me Indonesian books worth reviewing?

2004-02-18T19:25:00.000+07:00

CAFFEINE-FREE DAY

Well, not exactly. I had a cup at breakfast, but it doesn't count. I feel my blood runs lazily through my veins, without a drop of coffee in its nucleus.

Even my eyes feel heavy.

And it's all because of the Ades supplier is neglecting their delivery of water to my office today. Damn them. I asked Kamal, our Office Boy regarding this. And he said the supplier couldn't bring the gallons to our floor, due to ever-broken service elevator of this building. Damn Sarinah.

Yet today, I had to make a long long journey to Tanjung Barat to visit a client. And boy, was the client talkative. We were the one who should make a presentation, yet he couldn't stop talking. I tried very had to stay focus on his dark, thick lips so I didn't fall asleep and offend him.

Anyways, after spending few hours frowning and few html-challenged moves later, I present you, my sister and her bestfriend's blog.

It's pink, it's bitchy, it's... WITCHIN' HOUR!

2004-02-17T18:53:00.000+07:00

GENDER BENDER

I found this article on last week's Newsweek, and I laughed my heart out. It gives the term 'gender true equality' a whole new meaning.

But it's true, that I enjoy my time more at BC Bar or Hard Rock Cafe or Plaza Indonesia's Starbucks because the servers are often cute as buttons! And who can resist a remark from an 'Utt-look-alike' shop attendant from Giordano, saying that "You look cute in that", although as soon as I was home, the purchase left me thinking: "Do I need one more white tank top?"

It's only human...

2004-02-16T15:48:00.000+07:00

THE CASE OF BAD PREDICTIONS

I don't know why, but my girl friends are so drawn by the word 'fortune teller'. Many so called fortune tellers have come by our office, just to say hi with a friend here, and they have to face lists of 'unpaid customers' they end up leaving at 9 PM.

As for me, I once in a stage of my life, where anyone seemed to have predictions of my life, and none of them are good, I ended up lying on my bed, in a typhoid fever just trying to make my fate better somehow, so I decided later on, that I would leave my destiny alone. Get on with my life, not knowing, almost crazy with the (sometimes) overwhelming anticipation.

My dear friend Dharma, has a theory on fortune tellers.

"Kalo orang itu bener bisa ngeramal, kalo gue sambit dari belakang dia harusnya tau dong, jadi bisa nangkep sambitannya atau at least ngeles. Kalo kena, berarti dia enggak tau apa-apa, seperti kita"

The man has a point.

Today, I encountered this website, where I found bad predictions, such as:

"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 ton."
- Popular Mechanics, March 1949.

and

"Nothing has come along that can beat the horse and buggy."
- U.S. Senator Chauncey Depew advising his nephew against investing $5,000 with Henry Ford.

and still many more where they come from.

Not to mention many movies contains predictions on the year 2000 (Where's our flying car? Where's the blink of an eye transporter? Where's the space leisure journey?). The most memorable one to me is Back to the Future. We can still cross our finger for the flying cars, for, according to Back to the Future Part 2, it won't happen until the year 2015 (11 years to go!).

I am a Star Trek Fan. Yet, I can't see the space journey is happening to us anytime soon. Even the trip to the moon of Apollo 11, more than 30 years ago, invited skeptical opinions lately.

But, I can say that Star Trek has more reasonable frame of time. We have to wait until 2063 to find out, whether Warp Drive will be invented by Dr. Zefram Cochrane, and if it will surprise the Vulcans passers by and make them contact us for the first time. Wow, now that I said it, it sounded so far-fetched.

So, if we really want to make a futuristic movie, make sure it's waaaaay in the future. Make sure that the ones who see our flick have died when the technology suppose to happen. So nobody can mock us over bad predictions. Or make it safe, like George Lucas did on Star Wars: "Once Upon a Time on a Galaxy Far Far Away..." Be vague. Be very vague.

If you look at it in a different point of view, maybe they're not even bad predictions. They're simply human arrogance.

2004-02-15T22:40:00.000+07:00

VALENTINE'S DAY, THE LENGKETS STYLE...

I was so happy yesterday... no, not because it was valentine's day (means practically s**t to me), but because Niang's coming! And you know the first thing he said when he got into my car?

"Happy Valentine's day, neng!"

I laughed on his face. It's just sooo over the top cheesy. But he justified himself saying that because, he never said it to anyone before, and now the day seems to have something special now, that we have each other (kira-kira gitu bukan, kang?).

We had a plan to attend the album launching of Upstairs Band, at BB's last night. And we did. The event was, as usual, rather chaotic. The crowd was sitting on the curbs when we arrived. There are genuine fans crowd, poser crowd, curious crowd, groupie crowd and some more guys I think just gather around not doing anything but smoking and drinking teh botol from nearby stalls.

I found the similarity of them: chains on the pants (I think they're keeping pet tamagochis in their pockets, and it's actually a leash), and studded belts, just for the sake of 'edgy look'.

Opening bands are hit and miss. The audience was cool. Until the emcee announced the Upstairs Band! The floor became riotous mosh pit. More crowd coming in. The once cool small, claustrophobic club became suffocating and full of carbon-monoxide. I didn't even WANT to smoke there. Imagine... Me? Not wanting to smoke?

The band was good, tho. Jimmy, the vocal, my former IKJ-mate (all the band members are from IKJ, bytheway) was hilarious. He made 'wacana' between songs. Most of them contains nothing but profanity, but, that's Jimmy.

I made it through 3 songs, until I feel that I can't breathe. So we went downstairs. Our clothes are drenched with sweat.

And there we were, pissing the night on the curb. Talking and laughing with Acid, Platon, Cumi, Wina, Asung and other friends from our IKJ years. I had to ask Niang of names many times, when a person say hi to me, due to my bad memory and the fact that I only spend a year at IKJ (and that I am famous there *sigh*).

The night is still young, so we decided to take the invitation and went to IKJ, for old time's sake. Just to hang out with Nunu, Sigit and Baron. It was about 30 minutes later when I declared myself sleepy and yawned to answer questions. My age is catching up to me.

So we went home.

Ah... our Valentine's day... so romantic... (miss you already, kang)

2004-02-13T17:21:00.000+07:00

USELESS KNOWLEDGE

I got this from the e-mail today. It's not new, but certainly quite funny. Especially the comments...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home!!!...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?)

2004-02-12T20:41:00.000+07:00

ALL THE CONFUSIONS MUST COME TO AN END

This is my hair at 8 PM, still in the office... Boy do I've become a real exhibitionist.

After a long long session of (often disconnected) messages with this fool, and another session of interlocal phone with my man, and reading your comments (thank you!),I've come to the decision. I will take the magazine job. Yay! It feels so much better. It won't be for a month or so, until I moved. Meanwhile I have to give my last best, and search for my replacement, here. Anyone intersted?

2004-02-11T13:46:00.000+07:00

MY SITUATION

Before I go, let me introduce you, my corner office, with its pink and purple walls, mini hi-fi, and stuff. Never missing (except on Ramadhan): a mug of coffee and an ashtray.

Here I go. I am quitting from this beloved radio. Been accepted as an editor in a magazine.

But 2 days ago, I had an interview for another radio. In Bandung. Not that I am not interested. For I am. But I am convinced that I have to pursue my writing obsession.

I think the radio people liked me. Few hours ago I recieved a phone call from them, telling that I have to go through the psycho-test.

The question is:

do you think I should go through the test, if I'm not interested?

Things to consider:

I don't want to burn any bridges, for I certainly will cross paths with these radio people, hey, it's a small world, and entertainment business surely is even smaller.

The hiring process of the radio (might be) still a long way to go. I am guessing that it'll take more than 3 months before I hear the news, for I due to work in this magazine by next month.

If I do, take the test, and I succeed, it'll give me more headaches and ulcers.

I need help, here...

2004-02-11T13:15:00.000+07:00

ALL BAD BEHAVIOUR MUST COME TO AN END

Found this on my highschool mailing list. It matches perfectly with the book I am currently read, Tottochan. Do me a favor, please remind me this whenever I become a parent. I have tendencies to be a control freak...

"There are many ways to get children
to behave as you wish.
You can force, plead, and bribe.
You can manipulate, trick, and persuade.
You can use shame, guilt, and reason.
These will all rebound upon you.
You will be in constant conflict.
Attend instead to your own actions.
Develop contentment within yourself.
Find peace and love in all you do.
This will keep you busy enough.
There is no need to control others.
If you are able to release even some small part
of your persistent need to control,
you will discover an amazing paradox.
The things you attempted to force
now begin to occur naturally.
People around you begin to change.
Your children find appropriate behavior
emerging from within themselves
and are delighted.
Laughter returns to all."

2004-02-10T19:36:00.000+07:00

-ALL MUSHY STUFF MUST COME TO AN END...

Inspired by this blog, I've decided to capture a day of my life. Or, since is past noon already, a half day of my life. Let's see how dull it is...

on coffee...
I just made a cup of coffee for myself. Not that I don't like to be helped by our Office Boy, but his coffee is too sweet for my taste. Found a drosophila (lalat buah, red) buoying on the surface. Oh well.

For few minutes I was careful enough to drink from the opposite side from the fly. I lost my mind for a while, and I felt that I swallowed something very small yet meaty. The drosophila.

Oh well...

on saying hello
An old, caplang friend of mine just called to say hi. It's not that I don't like him, I just find him annoying at times. He's too confident and once asked me to marry him(!). I never took him seriously as a person. But I have to admit, he's quite a hard worker.

I remembered my conversation with Putra about him, one day, long ago...

"Si caplang kan pernah deket sama Maylafayzza"
"Oya? Cakep ga si caplang?"
"Lumayan deh... kayak Miing"
"Pantesan lu bilang cowo lu cakep banget ya lei, Miing aja lu bilang lumayan"

on smoking
Just found that my pack of cigarette from yesterday has practically emptied itself. Did I smoke that much? Hmm... let's see... Beby took several of the cigarettes. Mbak Offie did too.

Never mind.

Lucky me, I bought fresh one downstairs at Hero on lunchtime.

on sms
Niang just messaged me. Udah ngisi pulsa, hore! Having a round of perverted talks and jokes.

You don't wanna know.

I have a laughing baby's voice as my message ringtone. I thought it would be cute. Found out last night at midnight, when I was alone, it can also be creepy...

on afternoon snack
Jelly juice + cigarette = good temporary brain refreshment

on reviewing
Yang perlu ditingkatkan: sosialisasi jadwal yang sudah dibuat kepada departemen lain yang bersangkutan dan lebih teliti dalam penanganan kontrak dan surat penting.

Not even sure if that's a correct sentence. I hope my secretary doesn't expect much from the review. Otherwise she'd find out that I'm a dumbass...

once again on reviewing
5 down, 4 more to go...
can't wait till I don't have to review anyone, anymore, for the rest of my life (is that possible?)... wait wait... suddenly remember this quote from The Alchemist:

When someone sees the same people everyday, as has happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

ahhh... belum solat!!!

on a memo
Just found this small post it note from Fitri, the secretary:

Lei, jangan lupa untuk ngumpulin Performance Appraisal semester 2 tahun 2003 periode Juli-Desember 2003, paling lambat Kamis, 12 Februari 2004 ke HRD dan ke GA Dept. TQ, Fitri

She must have put it on my monitor and it fell off the desk. She went home at noon, her baby daughter fell off the bed, she said. I hope she's OK.

Kalista, the graphic designer just went into my office and asked for copies on our company profile.

and the performance appraisal slash review?

I'll do it tomorrow...

Irina, one of my announcers slash pregnant friend came in and teased me a bit. She soon tired and went off saying: "lu engga lucu lagi kalo lagi serius"

Caught my reflection on the glass window. I look like a mad scientist with this crazy hair and glasses.

on waiting...
Have been changing windows between this blog and the production operator, Dedi's review. Hmmm nice... very nice... (the blog, not the review)

I have done the copywrite... note that I didn't put too much effort into it, so I wouldn't take any responsibility if there's any grammatical mistakes...

Waiting for Mona. She'll have me for coffee. Coffee? Lemme see. I had one cup of Kapal Api at home, a cup of Nescafe later in the office, and I've just finished the one I made after lunch.

I think I'm gonna get just tea. Or better yet, ginger coffee. Do they have that at Phoenam?

on wrapping up
I call it a day at the office. Mona's here. Bye office...

2004-02-09T22:19:00.000+07:00

a little bit of HUMOUR

You know that the world is a funny place?

You start your days with any kinds of worries. You worry about money, about your jobs, about your friends, about your boss, etc etc

We even fill our lives with any kinds of worries imaginable. We're worried if we can get married to the right person. We're worried if we can get financially independent. We're worried if our children can get best education possible.

Yet, those worries are meaningless!

I imagined myself, on my deathbed. I would wonder, how did I live my life? Why the hell have I wasted my life worrying about things that didn't matter? Why didn't I spend more time with people that really matter to me? What would my children think of me? Would they remember me crying, after my death? Have I touched their hearts? Or was I just a face with the title 'mother' to them?

Have we touched anybody's heart?

People may put up a show, that you've touched, impressed them in some ways. But if you've gone, how would they remember you?

I want my children to remember me, smiling and laughing. Remember me being there for them, through happiness, sadness, hurt, falling in love and broken hearted for the first time. I want to witness everything.

God, please let me see everything.

2004-02-08T22:09:00.000+07:00

FOR YOU...

I love my world noisy
Full of voices of people
Yell out promises, sometimes empty, yet full of hope
Give out compliments, scream out helps, say thank yous

Give me everyday of that, and

I love my world in silence
Nothing but morning breeze and the sound of rain about to come
Trickling of a pond on your front yard
Whispers of love and my name from your throat

I love my world crowded
Faces, sometimes with names, or without names
Friendly yet can be the strangest thing
Smiles, frowns, empty, longing

Give me weeks and weeks of that

And I love my world with just your face
Happy, angry or sad
Always with eyes full of love
For me

I love my world cold
When I reach out and nobody around
Helplessness surround me so I only can help myself
Used to not being loved, wanted

Yet

I love my world warm
The heat from your blood oozes out and reach for me
Embrace me, your hands that are always there
With only look, you can share your warmth all over me

You know, only

You

Can do this to me

2004-02-05T22:05:00.000+07:00

ME AND MY ULCER

My ulcer is acting up again. I have it very BAD this time. I mean BAD. I lost sleep. I can't drink coffee without the feeling that I kill myself with the acid caffeine.

What went wrong?

I didn't eat anything out of ordinary. I rarely drink soda anymore. Almost never. I drink a teaspoonful of honey every morning, like my uncle suggested. Yet, I feel my stomach lining's getting thinner and thinner everyday. I have to gulp on antacid like water everynight.

Last night was the worst. I was at Niang's house, sleeping in his sister's bedroom. It was 3 o'clock in the morning, the pain got so horrible, I was wet with cold sweat. I heard noise from Niang's bedroom, so he was still awake. I went to him, called for help. My baby was so sweet, he made me a hot water bottle from a bottle and towels. He lost sleep because of me, and in the morning, he took me to the train station (I love you, kang).

The days are bearable. But here comes the nights with more pains, even antacids can't help.

Please, is there any doctor in the house? I don't like to go to a hospital, for I can guarantee, all they can give me are Zantacs or more Mylantas.

2004-02-05T18:17:00.000+07:00

THE WAY OUT OF 3 IN 1, RANO KARNO STYLE...

I found this on my high school mailing list:

Konon ada seorang Manager yang bekantor di kawasan Jl. Sudirman yang tidak mau semua kegiatan dan operasi bisnisnya terganggu, maka beliau membeli Taksi Presiden, sebuah sedan Soluna 2003. Pada saat menyetir taksi tsb, beliau selalu mengenakan 'jacket' untuk menutupi 'dasi' yang selalu dikenakannya itu. Alhasil, beliaunya bisa selamat dan selalu 'lolos' meski pada saat itu adalah waktu berlakunya '3-in-1'.

Beats the carpooling idea, huh? What do you think?

2004-02-05T18:09:00.000+07:00

BETWEEN LOVE AND MONEY

Have you ever been in a position where, you should pick one, love or money? Which do you think you would choose? I asked some of my friends, and without any flickers of hesitation they answered: "Uang dong! Hari gini..."

I mean... really? Has money become the most important thing, nowadays?

I am not saying that love is the most important thing to me. Nor am I saying that I don't need money. Hari gini...

I am just saying, I (at least, as long as I can remember) very rarely make any decision based on the material value of things. Even when I have to choose between jobs.

You might say, it's because I am a woman. I don't have to think about feeding the mouths of my family, yada yada yada.

Well, that maybe it. But I personally think that life is too short to be stuck in a job that I don't like. Is that a sign that I am not as mature as I'd like to think I am? Because most of my 'mature' friends who have kids and all, hate their jobs. They keep bitching about their work, yet they cannot do a thing about it, because they need the money.

Again, is it all about the money?

What about passion?

What about your dreams in life?

Should you .STOP. dreaming when you have a family?

Am I selfish if I still have one dream for myself?

Is it our destiny, to stop trying, fighting for our dreams, and let our fate begin to take us in their hands, whenever we decided to make a family?

It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie. The Alchemist - Paulo Cuelho.

2004-01-29T18:08:00.000+07:00

THE END OF SOME STUFF

Find this news yasterday. There goes our outdoor recreation, kang...

2004-01-29T18:02:00.000+07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COSMOPOLITAN FM

Yasterday.

The Groove. Warna. Yana Julio. Lita Zein. Lilo. Kahitna. And many more.

In Cosmopolitan FM's lounge.

Just realize that I'm probably the most anti-social PD in Jakarta. I can't even bring myself to say hi to them all. By 'them' I mean the celebrities. They frightened me. This frightened me.

What can I say? I simply didn't know what to say to them. And from my records of saying stupid things to strangers, I prefer not trying.

Happy 2^nd Anniversary Cosmo! I've had enough, haven't you?

2004-01-27T17:15:00.000+07:00

A LOVE NOTE...

Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

So many times when the city seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile

Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near

If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best (Carpenters)

I know I seldom express how I feel for you, Kang, but you should know that I won't last a day without you...

2004-01-26T15:33:00.000+07:00

A SOUVENIR FROM MARKETING GATHERING

MSSN is finally over and nothing left but the picture of us in the 'weird' event. So for those of you who did not come and did not get our goody bag full of cool stuff, this is the souvenir. Click to see the bigger picture, and guess, what is our dresscode and which one am I? hehehe...

2004-01-26T12:46:00.000+07:00

ABBREVIATION OF THE DAY: OB-GYN

"...and the name of your husband, maam?" says the nurse, cheerily.

I didn't answer right away. This nurse is very cheerful and hospitable, but will she stay that way if I say I'm still single? That I don't need to have a husband to be sexually active? That I suspected there's something wrong with my uterus, but no, I'm not planning to have kids anytime soon, but I'd like to keep my options open. I bet that would wipe the wide smile off of her face.

"Kurnia Joedawinata" I said flatly.
"How long have you been married?"
"Six years"
"How many children?"
"None"

Her eyes widened.

"What? Aren't you afraid that you won't be able to have kids? Why wait that long?"

This is it. This is exactly why I hate going to ob-gyn. This particular question always thrown at me, and no matter how much I think I've prepared for it, I still winced. 'Yes, why wait? You're old enough, your biological clock is ticking, and your window of opportunity is getting smaller. Why wait?' a gollum like voice is echoing in my head.

I open my mouth and say,"I believe when it's time, it's time. I don't believe in rushing things"
"Yes ofcourse" she can't help a pity smile.

I hate going to the ob-gyn.

2004-01-24T23:40:00.000+07:00

AN INCOMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO 'BELOKIAN'⁽¹⁾

akika mawar kencana: I wanna pee⁽²⁾

atiampla: attitude as in; gue kayanya harus grounded diana, ati amplanya booo...

lekma, lekma, diana, spartakus: someone just passed with a hideous pair of shoes

lekma, lekma, diana, rambate: someone with a helmet of hair just passed and you missed him/her

lekma, lekma, diana, kacangtanah: a pair of glasses with extra terrestrial of a person just walked under your nose, and you didn't notice

dianah!: I just saw a weirdo and can't wait to share it with you, so please look at the direction of my eyes

lapangan bola: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse

diana putuwijaya: she/he has broken up

foot note:
I really don't know the origin of this language, but maybe, just maybe, it's the language of the people whose too lazy too remember the right form of language.
⁽¹⁾dari kata belok.
⁽²⁾I heard it first from Lembu, and I thought he said "saya mau kencan" so I asked,"kencana sama siapa" and he just looked at me, puzzled.

2004-01-24T21:42:00.000+07:00

OVER A DEAD RAT

Strangely, the rain stopped today. Maybe it got bored of all this gong xi hype..

I had an argument with lei today.. I wish i hadn't, but it happens allready. So Yo wiss toh? It's kinda stupid too anyway.. arguing about something that cannot be changed or happened allready is like arguing over a dead rat.. it's a rat, and it's dead. There's nothing in this world that would change it into, let's say, Liv taylor or anything.. Even worse, it has no importance whatsoever, so in the end, we just hurt each other with our vicious words..

Weird as it is, there's no argument, that everybody's kinda doing it once in a while. On minor or Major scale. The difference is, when we "small" people doing it, the effect wouldn't be as bad as sending troops to invade some country in the middle east (oh but lei would, she's a correction queen), or creating a special commite over it (and once again, lei would).

I bet those "Big" guys wouldn't like that lord of the rings trilogy, they wouldn't understand why aragorn got head over heels over an elf - rat.

2004-01-23T18:01:00.000+07:00

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED

It's raining outside. I'm in this home studio/office/ceramic showroom, typing nothingness out of boredom and anxiety. Yes, anxiety is the harbingers of change. But while yer at it, boy, it sucked big time. So I turn on the TV. With a grudge.. Cuz television is a last resort. It's like turning off yer brain for sometime. And most of the time we forget to turn it on again.

Television has been around since.. What? 1831? Those poor slobs, Joseph Henry and Michael Faraday. They must've thought that they'd be creating a breakthrough. Oh but they did. At least it used to be a breakthrough. Until (as usual) industry and the government takes over in 1927. Secretary of Commerce Herbert Hoover, of the U.S Department of Commerce, commented, "Today we have, in a sense, the transmission of sight for the first time in the world's history. Human genius has now destroyed the impediment of distance in a new respect, and in a manner hitherto unknown." Such arrogance, such big words.. cuz years later, in Indonesia, far away from the U. S. fucking A, television ( at least to me ) have become a machine of mental slavery.

I don't know, maybe my vision of indonesian television is too bleak.. but see it yourself man! Tasteless commercials that bombarded us every few minutes. Gossip shows, poisoning us with unneeded information from dusk till dawn. Music programmes which give us nothing but commerciallized pop trash. Crime news and it's violent and depressing scenes. The so-called sine fucking tron, straight from old bombay with it's typical storyline that'll bore you to deth! Horror/mistery themed shows that wouldn't scare the mildest of wabbits. And now, it's newest brethen, "reality" shows that becoming dumb and dumber everytime i see them!! Oh come on!! Just kill me goddamnit!! Poke my eye with a heated prong so i can get away from all this nuisance!! I mean, what's wrong with these "Producer" guys! can't they produce something more decent? I bet they'd say that the people are not ready for better, smarter, less tackier programmes but hey, if not now, then when?

So here i'am watching these braindead programmes again.. my vision is getting blurrier by the second.... i think i lost my hearing just now.. hey, what's this coming out from my ear? Oh my dog! it's me brainsss..a.sss.ad.sadlmdfffnsc,c.. . ... ..... [end of transmission]

Then again,maybe we simply just have to turn it off...

2004-01-23T03:04:00.000+07:00

DUNIA YANG ABSURD (part I)

BLAAAAAGHHH!!!MOTHERF*CKEERRR!!!DAMN REEETAARD COMPUTEER FROM THE STONE AGEE!! OUT! GET OUT FROM MY HOME!! GO BACK TO THE FLINTSTONES WHERE YOU BELOOOOOOOOONGGG!!! I DON'T NEED YOU AND YOUR STEAMPOWERED PROCESSORRRRRRRARRGGGHHH!! Oooh! ma'af! saya mimpi buruk! sebentar, saya minum dulu...

GLUK GLUK GLUK GLUK AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Phew.. leeega rasanya.. akhirnya saya bisa online lagi setelah menjadi manusia tuna-virtua-komunika selama berbulan bulan.. Setelah berhari hari anda menikmati halaman demi halaman blog kami ditemani bersama mba' leila disebelah kiri saya (leila mesem mesem sambil manut manut [prihatin]) kali ini saya akan mewarnai halaman blog ini dengan humor humor kacangan, slapstick, kata kata (semi) kotor, dan mungkin juga beberapa kisah kisah pelipur lara dalam bahasa Indonesia, dan sedikit sumpah serapah dan kalimat kalimat rancu dalam bahasa inggris (penggunaanya secara bebas dan merdeka, jadi yg mana jadi yg mana bebas aja, yes?)!!

Dan apakah penyebab ketidak konekkan saya dengan dunia maya sopha selama ini? Ah! tak lain dan tak bukan adalaaaah! BENAAAR!! (sambil menunjuk seorang nenek penonton kuis yang langsung stroke mendadak karena kaget mendengar ke BENAAAR !! - an yang sedemikian dahsyatnya bila dibandingkan dengan senyumanmu) Hal tersebut terjadi karena komputer rakitan berisi software generik ku yang budiman namun norak, yang biasanya rajin menemaniku bercengkrama dengan teman - teman dunia maya rumantir ku, tewas seketika akibat sambaran geledek ribuan volt yang turun dari langit di sebuah hari yang kelam dan menyedihkan.. Ah Tuhan nampaknya tak merestui kehadiranku yang malang melintang dari chat room ke chat room di irc dulu itu.. Mungkinkah ini do'a yang dikabulkan dari sekian cewek2 (atau mungkin bukan cewek ya?) virtual yang ku gombali dulu disana? AAAAAH TIIDAAAAAAAAKKK... (mas mas, jangan terlalu dramatis mas)

Sejak sa'at itu hidupku jadi lebih sepi, teerpencil dari peradaban umat manusia masa kini, terjerembab dalam keheningan informasi global dengan hanya membaca beberapa koran, atau majalah, atau kitab kitab silat uncle ho, ditambah acara - acara gosip selebriti lokal (yang gayanya kayak interlokal walaupun dari wartel), juga acara sulap bersama si kepala phalus memar bertai lalat seperti alis sebesar sendok yang membengkokan sendok ( HEY MAS ITU TRIK LAMA! DULU JUGA ADA CENAYANG RUSIA YANG BISA TAHUN 1940-AN!), tak cukup menemani hari-hari ku yang tidak gendut seperti hari roesly lagi tetapi kurus seperti H.I.M Damsyik..

Sampai akhirnya datanglah angin perubahan! Digawangi oleh seorang cina gondrong berkacamata bergaya campuran antara anak metal 80'an meet pendaki gunung jayagiri.. yang tak lain dan tak bukan adalah MEGADETH (bener, namanya memang itu, ada kok beneran, mau kenalan? masi single kok!) yang berprofesi sebagai tekhnisi I.T. Underground, Roadies sebuah band punk kenamaan, mantan sodagar handphone, dan pengusaha retail rempah2 ternama di kota FLOWER CITY ini. Dialah yang akhirnya memperbaiki komputerku dan komputer komputer lainya di seluruh asia tenggara ( yah, gak juga sih.. walaupun itulah cita2 mulianya yang patut kita dukung) Dan matahari mulai bersinar lagi.....

dan demikianlah, berkat MEGADETH!! hari hari ku kembali cerah ceria dan yang lebih asyik masyuk lagyi adalah ... KINI KU BISA BERCINTA VIA YAHOO CHAT LAGI dengan disebelah kiri saya Mba' Leila (leila manut manut [ lagi ] sambil mesem mesem[ prihatin lagi ] ) dan menghemat pulsa telepon di malam hari dan pulsa sms pada umumnya.. UUUUhhhhh Cayaaaang (megadeth apa leila?)...

SEKIAN PART I

2004-01-22T22:40:00.000+07:00

A TRIBUTE TO MY BEST FRIENDS

Last Monday was the last day Putra works in my office. He's got a new job with bigger salary. My company perhaps lost a good employee. But I certainly will miss a best friend.

Putra is gay, bytheway. But you won't know that from the first impression. For he is a very tall, dark and handsome fella.

I will miss him for every hug he gave me anytime of the day, whenever I miss Niang's hug (not quite the replacement, but I was always desperate). The laugh we share whenever we feel down in the office. The 'I have to take Lei to the client, because I don't fully understand the program we will offer' excuses he made everytime I feel like wondering around on office hours. The Happy Hour session at Hard Rock Cafe whenever we feel that we need to pour our heart out without the risk of embarassement *hey, we were so tipsy then, we don't know what we were talking about*.

We still be seeing each other, that's for sure. But I guess whenever a person has occupy that amount of time of your day, I bound to miss him so much! I am going to miss Dharma, his boyfriend, too, for he's grown to be my friend. A cute, cuddly, great-voiced, Bu Mega look-alike friend.

Niang says I'm a gay magnet. I myself don't think so, for there are some gays I met that I didn't quite like and they probably don't like me either.

But somehow I cannot help thinking that he's probably right. I remembered, a good friend of mine of 15 years, Sony, called me sometimes not so long ago.

"Lei, can we meet somewhere this weekend? I really need to talk"

The last time I saw him was on his wedding to a lovely girl, and that was about 9 months before that day.

So we met at the cafe behind Aksara Bookstore. I casually asked,

"So, how's married life? Great I guess, for this is the first time we meet since then"
"That's why I want to see you, Lei. You see, I'm getting a divorce"

My mouth fell open.

"What? Why?"
"I'm gay"

I wasn't totally surprised then, for I have suspected for a long long (I mean long) time that Sony is not as masculine as he likes to believe he is. But I gave it up when he told me that he was getting married.

So the story goes... I tried to convince him that it's okay to be gay. But he still refused to acknowledge his feelings for other men.

"I know I'm gay, but that doesn't mean that I have to consummate my passion for men"

He chose to retreat to religion. I respect that of him.

And let me tell you something about Clay, my other gay friend. (He asked me to call him that in my writings, because I told him that Clay Aiken reminds me of him, and he shyly admitted that he thought so too). Eventhough sometimes I feel that he's more sensitive than women, that I have to spend our (almost) routine driving home together, convincing that a man that he's falling for isn't worthy of his attention because he's a total jerk, I have no choice but to love him.

I know at times I have to listen to his whining. But boy, when I have to whine, CAN he listen! He listens for every cry every moan I make whenever I feel sorry for myself (not that often though, hehe). He and I used to work on the same floor, but now, even when he is working way on the Kemang area, we still find time to ride home together. Talk about nonsense and narcissistic stuff all the way, from Sarinah to Kelapa Gading. Our goodbye line is always

"santi sutoro, sampai nanti see you tomorrow"

So Putra, Dharma, Sony and Clay, if you read this, I just want to say how much I love you guys. I love you for every hug, kiss, laugh, tears and story we shared. Thank you for choosing me to be your friend.

*Gong xi, gong xi, for those of you who celebrate Chinese New Year. Have a primate-ly wonderful year!*

2004-01-22T22:07:00.000+07:00

THE WORLD IS YOUR DANCEFLOOR

Finally... the Marketing Gathering is over. It went quite well, I might say. I witnessed the whole event from the tiny monitors of the big screen's operator next to my station, behind the sound counter. I wish I could be placed behind the stage, so I could gather my courage to say hi to the members of Seurieus, which performed really well last night.

Dead tired. From I probably sat only for 5 minutes total yasterday. My knees are giving in. Old, I am old...

2004-01-19T15:52:00.000+07:00

SIX DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

It never ceased to amaze me how small the world is. Well, at least how small Jakarta and Bandung are. Just recently we found out that Niang and Isman went to the same elementary school (what are the odds? big actually...). When I've just finished making my blog, I went to Toet's just to find out that he's a friend of my ex-colleague, Doni Londho.

Are you familiar with 'Six Degrees of Separation' theory? That everyone on earth is separated by anyone else on earth only by six degrees. That means you could know a friend, and she/he has a friend, times six and you could get connected to anyone in the world. I mean anyone! Find the more thorough explanation here.

I don't really know who came up with the theory first, but Duncan J. Watts from Columbia University, made a book on this, including the impact on any principles of life. This so called 'the science of networking' isn't something to be taken lightly, because if you learn it, it gives the whole new meaning about the word 'networking'.

But we won't go that far.

When I typed the words 'Six Degrees of Separation' on Google, the name Kevin Bacon always comes up. Turns out, some students (having more free time than they can handle) invented Kevin Bacon Games, where you can find connection from every entertainer to Kevin Bacon, 'the Center of Hollywood Universe'. You can try by typing the name of any actors, it's fun!

You could also help few studies on Six Degrees of Separation, by participating like Small World Project from Columbia University, and other Six Degrees Studies.

I hope these are good enough evidence that the world is getting smaller. So be cautious if you're badmouthing someone, the words just might get to the object of speaking, as we speak. I'm so sorry George W. Bush...

The example of the theory:

The connection from me to Mang Udel (the actor who played Pak Broto on 'Losmen' Serial) is:
I know Erich, my second assistant
Erich marries to Vita
Vita is the grand daughter of Mang Udel.

so the connection between me and Mang Udel is separated by 3 degrees.

2004-01-16T18:29:00.000+07:00

IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! NO... IT'S... I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!

Have you ever felt that your life is passing you by? That you haven't done enough smelling the roses (whatever that means, it's hard to find roses in Jakarta, kalo bunga tele' ayam banyak).

Whenever I read somebody else's blog who's eloquently describing what they see, like Roi's or Umar's, I got this enlightment 'hey, I have similar experience! I think...'

Then I tried to recall things in my past. I got nothing but blurry faces and vague words. What the hell happened? Conversations with friends also gave me out.

"Lei, let's go out, we hardly talk anymore"
"What are you talking about, we had coffee two days ago!"
"That was two months ago"
"...."

And this conversation I had with Niang today.

"Kenapa baru telpon sekarang?"
"Loh, aku kan nunggu pas makan siang nelpon kamu, kang"
"Funny, it's 5 o'clock in the afternoon, baby..."
"...."

Niang said maybe it's the sign of doomsday's getting nearer. But he also said "akibat ekstaciiiiii" dengan suara sok imut. So I don't buy it. Maybe it's just my brain doesn't work properly. Maybe it doesn't have 'savour the moment' function installed (perhaps when God gave it out, I was stuck in the loo).

Maybe, just maybe, the time is running at normal speed, but my thought always wonder ahead. I cannot capture what IS happening, for I always think about what will happen in the future. I even talk lightning-fast, for my mouth cannot follow my brain. This is my 'normal' conversation with my grandma:

Me: "Mih, jkash;lkgj;asldfaweijglaejraglkah;lkdf (translation: aku tadi beli mie ayam dua bungkus, mami mau satu atau berdua aja sama aku?)
My Grandma: "Iya, Non"
My Mom: "Mami ngerti, tadi lei ngomong apa?"
My Grandma: "Engga ngerti..."

That is why, I hate (emphasize 'hate') being interrupted. This would be a weekly scene in my weekly Program Meeting:

Me: "Kalo gue bilang sih..."
Beby: "Tapi ada benernya juga sih lei, kalo mendingan kita jangan terlalu percaya sama penyiar"
Me: "Iya, ngerti tapi..."
Erich: "Gue ga setuju deh Beb, penyiar kan dibayar, jadi kalo semua kita tentuin mereka ngapain?"
Me: "Engga juga, soalnya..."
Nina: "Jadi mendingan gimana ya enaknya, soalnya lama lama mereka nglunjak kalo..."
Me: "Shut up!!!! Gue mau ngomong!!!"
Beby: "Eh diem diem...lei mau ngomong... ayo lei, ngomong apa?"
Me: "....lupa... "

Maybe that is why I love the idea of time travel so much. Maybe that was the reason why I took photography as a hobby. So I can capture the moments my brain can't.

2004-01-15T21:08:00.000+07:00

BASKET CASE

My day started with General Meeting. A long one. We ended up eating lunch in the meeting room. The meeting was finished as soon as I lick my greasy fingers from the pecel ayam I had.

Without having to get up, in the same venue, I started another meeting. Mana Suka Suara Niaga. We will have this marketing gathering event on January 21^st. Let the Music Play is the theme. As much as I dread the extra work, I can't wait to see Seurieus performing live. The MSSN meeting was finished at approximately 4 o'clock.

Walking through the aisle, I called Beby, the second assistant.
"Meeting di mana?"
"Ruang meeting MTV, capcay!"
"Udah mau kelar?"
"Belum giling, masih lama... cepetan ikut!"
I walked in to the room. As always the meeting was messy and smokey, just like the scene in the "Pemberontakan G30S/PKI" when the party was having a meeting. Every question threw for me, I answered it with a blank look and my mouth closing and opening like a goldfish. I finally said one sentence that matter.
"I expect you all to join the program brainstorming on January 23^rd, no excuses" (that means no Bandung for me that weekend, sucks!).

Finally, I was on my desk for the first time today, I checked my e-mail just to find out that I was late for another RCS briefing. FYI, RCS is the 'integrated system' for radio. My company just bought it, and we're still in the adaptation process.

Two hours later, when the briefing was over, Niang called. While I was talking to Niang through my cellphone, I glanced my table and found out that my cellphone was nowhere to be found!
"Eriiichhhh (Erich is another second assistant)! Handphone gue manahhhhhhhh???!!"
"Ha?"
"Liat handphone gue ga?"
"Lu lagi ngapain?"
"Lagi nelfon"
"Pake handphone-nya siapa?"
"....."

I guess one can get meeting overdose.

2004-01-14T19:51:00.000+07:00

BUSINESS UNUSUAL

today, I woke up with terrible pain in my back. haduhaduhaduh! I cannot turn my head for more than 9 degrees, both to the left and right.

it's like my body's literally aching, for Niang left to Bandung today! I wish I could spend more time with him. I just dropped him off at Gambir at lunch, and I miss him already...

about my back pain, I had worse before. it was painful for me to sit down and get up. I went to reflexiology massage, and it suddenly got better!

I am quite reluctant to believe, but can reflexiology massage cure anything? I have a friend in Bali who told me, that there's a reflexiology masseuse spezialing in healing women with reproduction problem. and he has 90% success rate.

that reminds me of my friend the hypnotist, Romy Rafael. he said that hypnosis can cure (almost) all of your bad habits. I made a face and said "really?" in my most skeptical voice. "Yes, really" he said. "okay" I said (I am convinced quite easily, and it helps that he's good lookin' hehheh). yet I have this vivid picture in my mind.

"Help me, Mr. Rafael, I have this nasty habit of picking my nose in public, especially when I'm nervous"
"okay, look at my eyes... konsentrasi (*gaya Dedy Corbuzier*)... you ARE the nose, thus you don't have any reason to pick yourself"
"why, thank you verymuch, I'm cured"

2004-01-13T11:57:00.000+07:00

leila bilang bikin judul dulu cuma saya bandel .. hahahaha

Hallo! saya ni'ang, umur saya 17 tahun (HEH!) engga deng, 21 (HEH HEH!) iya iya, 28 deh.. (bener?) bener! syumpeh! tapi emang orang gak percaya saya 28, muka saya 17 sih (PLAK!) AW! iya iya ma'af.. jadi begini teman teman, tadi malam sya ribut sama ley, syebel deh.. padahal benernya pinginnya sayang2an khaaaaan!! orang jarang ketemu!! uuh!! tapi yaaaaah, nampaknya berfaedah juga koook.. (TAPI JANGAN SERING2!!) iya! sapa juga yang pingin! huh! any ways... tadi malem agak devastating juga.. it's not fun being yelled at by the one you love and vice versa.. dan yang paling menyebalkan , waktu udah baikan kita musti pisah lagi karena kita sama2 bokek dan gak bisa check in dimana mana!! PADAHAL GW LAGI GAK PINGIN PISAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! snif snif... did ley mention that we're planning on getting married this year? yea, that.. can't wait to get married to her.. i know marriage ain't gonna be a walk in the park but i can't imagine living this horrid life without her.. she's the piece of sanity that's left in my head.. you know? like an anchor, without her i'd be set adrift on a perilous jorney into doom.. i'd be mad..
HAH! mushy mushy mushy.. heheheh.. hey wait, someone's knocking on the door, lemme get that first.........( hey! oh, what? okay! let's go!) eh sorry ya mas dan mba!! gw musti kluar dulu, si ley belum makan siang!! dia lapar tuh.. nanti gue dimakan lagi!! hahahahah MAUUUUUU!! hahahahaha!!! ya su ya!! daaaaaah!!!

2004-01-12T18:11:00.000+07:00

KAMU CANTIK DEH...

How do you take a compliment? I once scolded a friend of mine, Mona, because whenever a person gives her compliment, she would not take it gracefully, instead she gives a reason why she doesn't deserve this compliment. I give an example:

"Mon, lu bagus deh pake blus itu. Seksi"
"Masa sih jeng? Gue kok ngerasa kayak ayam sarinah ya?"

I told her, if she doesn't know what to say to those compliments, a simple 'thank you' will do.

I somehow have learned how to take compliments gracefully (according to me, at least, hehe). I have quite a few modes, applying on the 'motives' of the person who give the compliment.

scenario#1, close friends
TPWGC (The person who give compliment): cantik deh hari ini, jeung!
Me: tentunya!

scenario#2, obnoxious person who tries to flirt with you/ kiss your ass
TPWGC: the color is SO you!
Me: so, what are you, gay?

scenario#3, orang yang haus pujian
TPWGC: sepatu lu bagus deh...
Me: makasih, sepatu lu juga...

any of you have other scenarios?

practicing from my father, he told me to say "Qul masya Allah" everytime a person give you a compliment. I (of course) say it silently, and still accepting the compliment anyways. It's good for your ego.

2004-01-11T12:15:00.000+07:00

HARU BIRU

sebenernya arti frase di atas apa ya? gue ga bisa menjabarkan tapi sekarang gue ngerasa, deskripsi yang paling bener dari perasaan gue adalah "haru biru".

gara-gara baru liat lagi film "as good as it gets". it turns out, the movie is one of the most exceptionally deep, touching movies.

yang paling bikin gue ketawa-tawa waktu ada yang ngomong sama Marvin Udall (Jack Nicholson) yang disitu karakternya jadi penulis buku:
"how could you write women so well?"
"I think of a man, then take away his reason and accountability"

heh-heh

what do you think of gender stereotyping? please comment.

I was on this car with one of my good friend last night, Boy. He rambled on about how he needs a girlfriend, but don't want to be 'tied'. Boy said that girls don't have enough faith in men, so they wouldn't allowed their men to go anywhere after 9 o'clock.
"Bullshit" I said,"if your girl doesn't trust you enough to let you go, what's the point of having a relationship then?"

What happen to the old saying: if you really love someone, set them free? is that something that a man made up so they could have good times without their spouses?

Is paranoia a female-specific illness?

dang, I've ran out of cigarettes and it's raining cats, dogs, frogs and donkeys out there...

2004-01-09T21:23:00.000+07:00

a SUCKIE FRIDAY...

it's 9 PM and I'm still stuck in the office.

I got 3 meetings today, and 3 events on 3 weeks ahead. In all of the events, my job description is similar.

It's a wonder blood didn't come out of my ears...

my friend just called, say she'd open a bottle of wine for us (eko, aci, offie, my colleagues). Hey bottle... I'm coming...

does wine cure migraine?

I hope so

Have a nice weekend y'all!

2004-01-08T11:24:00.000+07:00

30 DAYS LOOKING FOR CLUE

Yasterday I was working late at the office, and my boss offered me invitation to "30 Hari Mencari Cinta" premiere. I took it, of course.

So there I was, sitting in PPHUI, with TJ and Sly on the seats next to me (they're notorious for being over critical of many things). And the movie rolled.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! Do our ABGs really buy this crap? I was kinda hopeful, from ARISAN. I thought the Indonesian movie industry was started to look better. But noooo...

Ovi, my boss' fiance said:
"Kayanya engga perlu orang yang pengalaman di bidang film deh buat nulis skripnya, gue yang ga bisa nulis juga bisa, ya Le?"
"Kalo elu yang nulis pasti lebih bagus, Vi. Biar elu ga bisa nulis tapi kan lu punya nalar"

Besides the annoying mistakes Indonesian film makers often do:

*stating the obvious
adegan: 3 'sahabat' sedang menonton Titanic dan terisak-isak terharu.
Keke: "gile ye, film ini, udah berapa kali gue tonton, tetep aja gue nangis"
(we NOTICE that you're crying, for chrissake no need to say it, it's not RADIO it's MOVIE, you have the benefit of VISUAL)

*make unnecessary summary
I don't have a heart to describe the last scene. In a nutshell, I find it excruciating to sit through it without feeling brain-dead bored and thinking "why oh why would the scriptwriters make the characters a bunch of lovely looking idiot young women?"

the movie is needlessly long and irrational at times. The angles is suspiciously music video-like. The colors are so Dimas Jay. I like the soundtrack tho. So catchy.

2004-01-07T13:40:00.000+07:00

DON'T LET ME BE MISUNDERSTOOD...
I cannot believe my eyes when I read this morning's Kompas. And I thought, all along, our central government is stealing local's resources to put money in their Swiss Bank accounts. Yet the fact is, they ruin their own resources!

God help us! They say many people will become unemployed if the government put quota on killing the habitats in the rainforest. Can they BE more selfish?

I'm starting to have a vivid picture of our grand children sit around a teacher who's telling a story:
"A long long time a go, before we were born, there were this living creature called 'tree' and the place where these trees live in packs we call 'forest'..."

Isn't it scary?

And not far below the article, there's another article about how we imports 'virtual' water. It's just an euphemism of 'we basically import every damn primary essential we need desperately because the environment we ruined (for getting raw goods and ship it off, still raw, to never-never land to get 'not so large sum of' money to enrich just few of strategically positioned people)cannot support us anymore'.

We spend trillions of rupiah looking for the 'right leader' to save us. I think some people are just don't want to be saved.

I don't know if it helps, but please please please, recycle paper, friends. Better yet, make your office paper-less.

2004-01-06T19:38:00.000+07:00

WHEN DID WE...?

When do you think we change from one special creature to another?

I used to consider myself a very optimistic person, with plenty of dreams and idealism. I fiercely loved. I fiercely argued. I had plenty of energy.

Now if you want me to argue with you (especially above 9 PM) I would give you my stupidest grin or say "yeah, whatever, o the smart one" (depends how close I am to you).

Mind you, I am not a pessimist nor I am a fatalist. You might say I am a realist.

I no longer expect good things from life. I expect the acceptable. I don't expect people to be nice to me all the time for they don't owe me anything (kecuali beby dan mona, tadi makan ikan tude belum bayar ke gue!). I find good fortune as a wonderful surprise of life. As I find good friends along the way my rest of life.

Sometimes, on bad days, I think infidelity is a given thing. On those days, I believe one cannot be 100% loyally commit to other. So I expect to be broken hearted some ways or another. But it'll mend. Just like anything else.

So, aren't I a truly realist? The real question is, when did I become like this? I don't even have the energy (sometimes) to make a good argument out of this, especially with Niang (for he still argues fiercely).

2004-01-06T11:07:00.000+07:00

At My Beloved Office...

To Do List:
- monthly report
- production for MSSN closing tune
- lay out sketch for anniversary program
- run down for anniversary program
- raymond's contract
- dini's contract
- fierman's contract
- check the monthly production budget
- check the production for this month's insertion
- make the opening tune for this month's insertion
- be kind to others
- don't panic, just take a deep breath
- if panic, throw away this list and run, don't walk, to QB

the 'Done' List:
- post my blog
- make myself a cup of coffee
- say happy new year to (almost) all of the collagues

...and it's just my first day at work! I better stock up packs of cigarettes, meals and coffee. It'll be midnight until I leave this #$%&*&^ office!

2004-01-05T14:17:00.000+07:00

WEEKEND DI BANDUNG...

Gue gak nyangka... kalau ternyata Rabu tanggal 31 Desember lalu banyak yang sepemikiran sama gue untuk go show aja ke Gambir. Dengan PDnya setelah dikasih pulang setengah hari sama kantor, nge-bajay ke people-unfriendly train station... eh... enggak taunya ngantri panjuannggg. Karena engga tau jam berapa aja keretanya (walaupun ada papan keberangkatan, gue sedikit skeptis) gue ngantri di Argo Gede karena line-nya lebih pendek, ga taunya itu untuk keberangkatan jam 5 sore! Gile, nyampe jam berapa ya? Akhirnya pindah jalur ke Parahyangan, untuk kereta jam 15.50 loket dibuka jam 15.15. Hmmm mulai curiga...

Ga taunya bener aja, 5 orang di depan gue, loket udah ditutup untuk bagian eksekutif. Habis! Oh my knee!!! Gue melirik ke samping kiri (tempat antrian bisnis) ada mas-mas sendiri ngantri. Pasang muka seramah mungkin dan senyum se'wanita' yang gue bisa:
"Mas, maaf, beli tiketnya satu apa dua?"
"Cuma satu"
"Kalo gitu saya boleh titip engga satu lagi buat saya?"
"Oh, boleh"

Alhamdulillah... masih ada orang decent yang mau agak di'selak' antrinya. But technically, I wasn't shoving in, I WAS in the line. The other line.

Jadilah gue nyampe di Bandung jam 7 pas! Dijemput sama Niang dan Krisna, si jangkung berambut dreadlock.

Nyantai2 bentar di rumah Niang, kita mandi-mandi, terus pergi ke keriaan taun baru.

Pas kita nyampe, masih ada Band (kalo ga salah Pistol Air) lagi main. Damn! I miss the Brandals. Not that I like them, just curious, I haven't seen them perform yet. With a little effort, I, Niang and Krisna opened our bottle of wine. It was a strong one, I tell you. If you want a smooth wine, don't buy african. Strong fruity taste with strong alcohol smell! I drank and smoked. Until the claustrophobia kicked in. I puked. What a way to go on New Year's Eve! But I always puked when I drink in a small, enclosed place.

Udah mulai rusuh. Anak-anak Bandung slamming to the band. Anak-anak Bandung slamming to Arian. I was slamming to Nishkra. Duh, lagu-lagunya Nishkra truly my favorite. The party was over at approximately 3 o'clock. It was early. Krisna was driving home, since I wasn't in the 'right' state. I wasn't that drunk, just my feet were killing me. Too much jumping and dancing to the songs probably.

The rest of the weekend is rather calm. Talking to Niang and his family. Make few concepts of our dreams. Sleeping mid-day. Watching DVDs. I finally saw 'Y Tu Mama Tambien', also saw a pretty scary new Korean Horror movie 'a Story about Two Sisters'. Makan yamin. Minum jus strawberry (satu galon kali).

Finally, Saturday, I had an allergic reaction to the air. I sneezed and sneezed. Sinus gue kumat. Infeksi. Demam lah gue. Niang, my baby, was so good to me. He waited for me hand and foot. Made me teas, dinner and changed my sweat-soaked clothes.

So this is Monday. Back in Jakarta not fully recovered. I called in sick from work. Niang's mom (again) asked me, when can she and Niang's father come to my house, officially proposing me. God give me the courage to commit...

Why do I tend to over-analyze any relationships I have/had? Why can't I be content easily? Why can't I accept the good part without thinking 'there must be a catch somewhere'? And I consider myself optimistic and kind to others. Why can't I be kind to myself?

2003-12-30T17:15:00.000+07:00

at the office...

Am I in the cycle? Am I the cycle? I am holding onto my job like there's no tomorrow. I am consumed by it. I don't wanna be. Don't call me yuppies, I don't wanna be.

I don't want to wake up, in my fifties, realizing that I haven't done anything worthwhile in this world.

That I haven't inspire a single hungry soul.
God help me to let go someday.

Just had a meeting. A quite depressing one. Ahhhhhhh... sebel! Banyak banget yang harus dikerjain bulan depan and I am badly need a break like Saddam Hussein need a barber!

Sejak kapan ya, kerjaan yang gue cintai ini become a burden and routine to me? Gue kepikiran untuk freelance and peacefully write my book. Tapi entar makan dari mana?

well, at least I am meeting Niang, my crazy, sweet boyfriend tomorrow. In case I don't have time to blog tomorrow:

HAVE A BLAST ON NEW YEAR'S EVE EVERYONE! GOOD LUCK ON MONKEY YEAR!

2003-12-29T17:43:00.000+07:00

ME AND MY DEAR DADDY

Tadi malem waktu kita lagi santai-santai nonton tipi tiba-tiba Papa nanya
Papa(P):"Kamu ngerasa Papa udah cukup ngajarin kamu soal agama belum?"
Gue(G):"Papa ngajarin aku, apa Papa bayar orang untuk ngajarin aku?" (rada kurang ajar gue jawab)
P: "Isn't that a same thing?"
G: "I don't think so, Daddy"
P: "Iyah, pokoknya gitu deh, kamu juga pasti ngerti maksud Papa"
G: "Cukup kok, belajar ngaji dari TK sampe SMP, udah gitu SMA di Al Azhar aku udah ngerasa cukup"
P: "Tapi kok kamu gitu ya?"
G: "Gitu gimana?"
P: "Seperti kurang meng'amal'kan"
G: "Ya udah, kalau Papa mau, mulai sekarang aku kalo solat, ngaji dan sedekah di depan Papa, biar Papa liat aku meng'amal'kan ajaran orang yang Papa bayar. Gitu?"
P: "Ya engga gitu juga"
G: "Pa, untuk mengarahkan aku soal agama, udah cukup banget deh Papa. Now I am my own person. Perkara pengejawantahannya, biar aku sendiri yang pikirin, toh dosanya juga aku sendiri yang tanggung kalau aku lalai. Spiritual choice is very personal, emang enggak sepatutnya di-share ke orang lain kok, antara pribadi dengan Tuhan"
P: (no komen tapi mukanya kur-ens)

I don't know what's with my daddy and his self righteousness. I know he's not perfect, yet I still love and respect him despite of. Why can't he do the same for me?

2003-12-24T16:52:00.000+07:00

SEASON'S GREETINGS FOR ALL OF YOU WHO CELEBRATE IT!!

Seperti biasa, suasana kantor chaos, sebelum libur... I don't think I can enjoy my quiet time this weekend...huh...

Anyways...:
Apih: Niang masih belum blogging karena koneksi ke internet belum adaaa... kan ini aku membantu 'kebengongan' mu di kantor, siapa tau capek ym-an heheheh

A'a': I'll always be your best friend no matter what... udah terbukti tohhhh?? Gimana kita cakar2an berantem, tapi tetep love each other so much. Huhuhhuuu terharuuuu...

Alvons: Tengs sudah mengunjungi dan komen, bro. Kita memang kembar, kembar pervert heheheh...

Again, Have a Great Holidays All!

2003-12-23T18:14:00.000+07:00

Tulisan ini udah gue tulis dua mingguan yang lalu, tapi pengen share aja...

I shut the book I was reading and exhaled. Found it hard to concentrate when loneliness enveloped me this way.

I got out the bedroom, the big clock in the living room made a nouse. It's one o'clock in the morning, and I didn't feel any signs of drowsiness. Suddenly I felt a pang of hunger.

Opened the cookie jar and took two cookies. It tasted so sweet in my bitter mouth.

Usually, I welcome loneliness as a refreshing change to my usually crowded life. Not this time. I felt drained, saddened by it. I was reading a quite funny book, yet I was so close to tears.

After finding a cold medicine to help me sleep, I swallowed it with a glass of water. I drank and drank, hoping that the water would wash away whatever feelings I have inside.

Longing. Lonely.

Didn't know what else to do, I went upstairs. I felt like painting my toenails. I looked for my pale pink nail polish. While doing my nails, I sighed for probably hundredth times tonight.

I was so used to feeling numb. No strong emotions. I wouldn't allow myself to 'feel'. I entered his embrace with no expectations. I even doubted it would work at all.

Yet suddenly I felt this yearning... That even I knew it's not a good sign for my preservation. Loneliness started to haunt me like demons. I no longer welcome it. For they embraced me until I felt like I couldn't breath.

I decided to paint over my pink polish with glitter. Blew my toes so the lacquer would dry soon enough.

I dragged my cigarette and blew the smoke, feeling that life's not fair at all. Just when I thought I was ready to face the worsts of life, it gave me a glimpse of hope, which I had no idea what it would bring me.

For I am taught, from experience that extacy and misery are two sided coin.

I wasn't afraid of being thirsty, I was afraid I might drown. Sure, I could swim, but was terrified if the water is getting warmer, I would just want to drown myself and feel the silkiness of warm water embodied every bits and parts of my body.

Well, at least my toes looked pretty.

2003-12-23T17:53:00.000+07:00

WEEKEND AT PELABUHAN RATU

Well, excuse me kalau baru bisa nulis sekarang soal weekend kemaren. The internet connection was so bad yasterday, I couldn't do anything!

Dari pacar tercinta, gue sudah lama mendengar kalau bakal ada keriaan di Pelabuhan Ratu, tapi rada-rada engga percaya, secara tempat yang begitu terpencil dan sulit dijangkau, kira-kira bakal kaya apa sih, party-nya?

Begitu menginjakkan kaki ke tempatnya (which I don't really know exactly where, pokoknya searah goa lalay, sebelum nyampe kota Pelabuhan Ratunya) gue agak gumun ngeliat venue yang lumayan niat, dengan speaker sound yang segede bagong, 2 stage masing-masing mengandung 2 turn-table dan 2 cdj. Niat ya! Baru hari itu, gue juga ngeh kalau party ini dalam rangka hari ulang tahun seorang bintang sinetron yang kakaknya juga merupakan bintang sinetron (hehehe cukup jelas engga clue-nya).

Niang, Timur (yang nebeng kita and was being a very good company, dan gue sama Niang sempet denger dia nyepikin cewe di telepon sepanjang perjalanan Garut-Sukabumi. Maap Muuurrr) dan gue jalan-jalan sambil ngelurusin kaki yang pegel banget. Pas gue lebih perhatiin lagi, ternyata jalan menuju outdoor stage-nya dihias dengan obor buanyakkk sekali. Keren juga. Di atas pohon kelapa juga ada kawat untuk yang mau ber-flying fox. Tapi kayaknya manjat pohon kelapanya lebih 'menantang' dibanding meluncur ke bawahnya deh.

Ketemu yang ber-ultah, basa-basi dikit bilang "Selamat Ultah". Pacarkyu langsung cek sound dan memasang voice processor (atau sound effect?) untuk Wina yang mau ngemsi di lagunya. Duhhh lagu-lagunya enak banget, karena ada DJ Awa yang lagi cek sound juga. Gue goyang-goyang aja dikit.

Kepingin pipis, ya udah nongkrong di depan WC, mana orangnya engga keluar-keluar lagi. Bayangin aja, 2 WC untuk orang 100 lebih! Gimana gue enggak goyang-goyang nunggu giliran?

Waktu sebelum nyampe, Niang bilang kalau (sepertinya) panitia udah menyiapkan akomodasi buat pengisi acara. Tapi ternyata, begitu di sana enggak ada kamar sama sekali, even buat panitia. Duh kasian sekali mereka udah tidur di luar satu malam.

...to be continued...

2003-12-17T22:41:00.000+07:00

Stay Home, SICK!

Gile ye... I know that too much work can kill you, but I didn't know that drinking too much water CAN! I mean literally!

Kronologi: kira-kira seminggu yang lalu, karena di kantor banyak yang menjelang sakit (flu, diare dan lain sebagainya) untuk menggalang antibodi gue banyak minum vitamin dan air dari dispenser kantor. Memang di kantor akhirnya banyak yang bertumbangan sakit diare, tapi sama sekali gue enggak curiga, gue pikir udaranya memang lagi ble'e' berat, dan anak-anak kantor memang doyan jajan yang engga-engga aja. Tapi sekarang, tidak hanya gue (kemarin) harus pulang karena demam, tapi gue juga (maaf) B.A.B (Buang Air Besar) cairan yang tidak nyaman.

Kesimpulan: karena penyakit ini dijangkiti hampir semua anak kantor, kita berkesimpulan kalo dispenser kita mengandung (paling tidak) E.Coli dan kita tidak terima! Gue akhirnya harus stay home hari ini karena lemes banget dan mulut terasa pait, tidak bisa menikmati makan (termasuk brownies kukus mama yang yummy banget) sama sekali. It's kinda blessing in disguise tho, I can watch HBO all day and stare at the screen, digesting crappy movies.

Tindakan: gue udah minta tolong Erich untuk mengambil sampel air dispenser di botol kecil, in case we have to sue (yang mana gue yakin belum dilakukan olehnya) dan besok kalau gue masuk kantor dispensernya belum (at least) di cek, gue akan protes berat ke GA gue beserta bosnya (si donat gosong).

Now, wish me well, so I can be productive again...

2003-12-15T13:04:00.000+07:00

On Friday, when I was calling Niang, I told him that there are 2 recent news. Orang mau bunuh diri. Hari Kamis, ada orang yang manjat tiang lampu jalan, yang buat macet jalan Sudirman, terus hari Rabu gue dengar ada juga yang mau bunuh diri di jalan tol dalam kota.
"What the hell has happened to the world?" Niang said," kamu pasti ngeh juga deh, kalo sekarang di manapun susah cari smiling face yang bener-bener out of happiness. Semua orang keliatan banyak pikiran atau malah depressed. Engga heran kalau orang akhirnya make recreational drugs on weekends, just to have an illusion of happiness."
Iya juga sih. Tapi sedikit gue bantah, kalau sebenernya kita bisa kok memanipulasi diri untuk bisa hepi. Semuanya itu datengnya dari dalam diri kita. Kalau kita mau hepi, bisa hepi. Tapi di dunia yang kompetitif dan mendorong kita untuk jadi konsumtif ini, kita seolah-olah harus punya 'frame of mind' begini:
- Kalau saja saya dipromosiin, terus punya gaji segini, pasti saya jadi lebih hepi.
- Kalau saja saya udah married seperti teman-teman saya, pasti saya lebih hepi.
- Kalau saya punya handphone Nok Iya yang paling canggih, pasti saya lebih hepi.

Masa iya sih? Since when our happiness can be measured by things that are so artificial? I’m not saying that marriage is artificial, but what about the reason to get married? Oh puh leeeze.

Kalau mau liat hubungannya sama spiritual, sebenernya bisa dihubungkan dengan konsep bersyukur. Kalau kita mau mencoba bersyukur dengan apa yang kita punya sekarang, kita akan lebih bahagia, dan kalau kita mendapat lebih dari hidup, we find it as a pleasant surprise, yet we can be more grateful.

Satu lagi yang saya pelajari dari hidup ini (ciehhhh), we cannot count on other people to make us happy. We have to be happy for what we are and have. If you cannot do that, there’s a slim chance you will, ever. Hit the 'escape' button (I wish we can).

2003-12-12T19:59:00.000+07:00

In the office, with bunch of people...

My 'people' are having a meeting and I don't feel like joining them. Perut kembung dengan hipotesa alasan sebagai berikut:
1. Luka di lambung kambuh lagi, jadi menimbulkan gas yang berlebihan (eh tapi engga melulu keluar sebagai... you know... fart) tapi kembung aja.
2. I sleep with my mouth wide open, so...figure it out...(ga nyambung sih)
3. I have gastrointestinal disease, which I dread, cuz I heard people died because of this.
4. Makan gue emang 'ngacak' dan selalu berbumbu. Pembelaan: engga ada waktu untuk cari makanan bergizi, terutama makan siang. I practically live off instant noodles and whatever they sell at Es Teler 77 (hey! It's still better than fastfood chains!)

Yeah, I hope it's just a mild case of kembung, rather than those things. Fierman (one of my announcers) just gave me klaapertart (yum!) and balapis (why manado cakes?). Thank you Fierman!

I heard honey can cure this condition of mine. Is it true?

2003-12-12T16:25:00.000+07:00

Well, I'll be damned! Akhirnya dengan segala kebodohan dan ke-ignorant-an (is that a word?) gue gue berhasil mencari info dan membuat blog sendiri. Huahahahahahhaha (ketawa Dr. Evil). Mohon petunjuknya!